The characters in this story, with exception of a couple, are not my propriety and belongs to Paramount. I have written --and now posted-- this story with the only intent of having and sharing a good time, nothing more, nothing less.

This story was first written in two languages: French for descriptions and English for dialogues. I have here translated everything to be able share it with whoever is interested, but when I wrote it at first, I was still more comfortable writing in my native tongue, except I couldn't stand the dialogues in French... somehow, technobabble doesn't translate too well... *grin*  This story was also different of my previous work because it was the first one that includes an open homosexual relationship between two women in love.  Also, it's one of the very few stories written as "I" being actor and not just narrator.  Maybe a subconscious hint about myself, back then... LOL... Not that I need that anymore! *grin*  As for the character named Pat, well.. I have NO imagination for names, so I took the easiest to remember! LOL...

Language warning: English is NOT my native tongue, so please humor me on this!  :o)
Timeline warning: This is a First Season story, so it doesn't take in consideration whatever evolution the characters have gone through in the show. Yes, Janeway still has her bun! LOL...
Hurt/Comfort warning: Yes, there is both of that....
Violence warning: Although not as graphical as certain TV programs other people watch, there is some violence or it is implied.
Sex warning: Although not too graphical, yes there is some of that too... in a homosexual relationship. So if two women in love with each other shocks you, I feel sorry for you and I'd strongly suggest that you choose another story to read, 'cuz that's what it is about in here. So... consider yourself warned!
Enough warnings: "Enough already, just go on with the  #!@%&* story!" ..LOL..

ENJOY your reading... Positive or constructive feedbacks are welcome

Patty Pat.

Commençée le 20 novembre 1995
Terminée le 29 janvier 1996
Translated in May 1999
 

LONELINESS
by Patty Pat

Everything started during a conference between Voyager's senior officers and a couple of Kazon leaders. I was sitting beside Kathryn Janeway as I was only there as an observer of the negotiations. The talks were animated, even violent sometimes, both sides wanting to prove that they were right and the Kazons not being the first to admit if they were wrong. Janeway was used to this as she went through her share of fights to become a respected female captain in a Federation where many nations weren't as open as Human were toward women. Since I went to Academy, I heard about her and I had always admired this authoritative but fair woman. She wasn't that much older than me, but I started my career in the late as she started hers early. I had been delighted when she choose my resume among many others to work aboard her first command ship, the USS Voyager. Since the incident that brought us in the Delta Quadrant, million light years from Earth, she had been able to keep her crew's morale up despite the small hope of ever getting back to our homes and families.

However, that day, I suddenly realized how lonely the life of this admirable woman must have been. She was the Captain and, because of her status, she didn't have much friends around. She was keeping her feelings, her doubts bottled up and even if she was taking her senior officer's advice, in the end, it was she -and she alone- who was taking every major decision. A heavy burden of responsibilities and loneliness upon the shoulders of one single human being.

The conference was long and strenuous. Unexpectedly, I heard Janeway's sigh and when I looked at her, I could feel her discouragement although she was doing a good job at hiding it. The speaker being on the other side of the long table, I let my hand dropped on Janeway's forearm and smiled to her in sign of support. Then quickly, before someone else noticed my move, I resumed my original position, leaning on the table with my arms crosses, hands hanging down the edge. Janeway first looked surprised but almost immediately I saw a hint of a smile and her shoulder muscles relaxed a bit. She could have thrown me off the room for such an unprofessional gesture, but she probably needed my encouragement too much so she chose to let it pass. I startled when I felt Janeway's fingers reaching for mine as my hands were hidden by the table, reaching for comfort discreetly. The emotions were so intense, I wasn't aware of anything else in the room except those warm fingers intertwined with mine. I was overwhelmed and didn't dare move in fear of breaking this magical moment. During a few minutes, something strange happened between the Captain and I and neither she or I were able to analyze it. When talks came back toward her, her hand let go on mine and she answered as if nothing had happened. I looked at her, puzzled, and saw no trace of any emotion or any weakness. She was the strong Janeway arguing and winning her point with the evil Kazon... except.. maybe a little spark in her eyes that wasn't there before and a renewed energy that made her find better argument in our favor. The conference finally ended two hours later with an obvious but modest victory of our Captain, the Kazons having accepted and signed the proposed treaty.

While leaving the conference room, Janeway called me with her rude officer tone and ordered me to be present in her office the next morning at 10:00. I agreed respectfully and thought that I was going to end up in front of a discipline committee for my displaced behavior. I had the whole night to think about it and worry about the consequences, although I wasn't regretting my gesture one bit.

"Come in," Janeway ordered after I rang the door chime.

"Good morning Captain," I greeted her as I came in. "You wanted to see me."..

"Yes, Ensign, please sit down," she said pointing the chair in front of her desk. "Computer, lock all com-systems to the ready-room."

"Acknowledged, " the toneless voice of the computer. "Communication system's off line."

"I don't want to be interrupted," she explained quietly. "Ensign, some... things happened yesterday at the conference's table and I'd like to understand them."

"I'm sorry, Captain, I shouldn't have done what I did with everyone around..."

"Please let go the Captain stuff and let's talk freely. You're right, you shouldn't have," she agreed without taking her eyes off mine. "If the Kazons had seen it, the conference would have been spoiled and my authority questioned. But, that's not why I asked you to come this morning. I was as wrong as you when I took your hand back... What I'd like to understand is why it happened. Why did you do that ? And why did I respond that way ?... Honestly, that's troubling me !"

"Well... It does trouble me too," I admitted shyly. "I don't know where to start... I always admired you; you're strong, you're fair to everyone, you're a great captain. Yesterday afternoon, I realized how lonely you must be and I felt your distress in front of the Kazons, your disappointment because you couldn't convinced them... I just felt the urge of showing you that you were not alone, that there is someone who cares for you even though we don't know each other very well... Maybe you needed that kind of support more than we both thought and that would explain your reaction..."

"That's an interesting theory," she agreed.

"I know it's difficult because of your rank and responsibilities, but...if I may say... you should make some friends and relax sometimes."

"How can I be friend with someone who's gonna take my orders later on ? I can't do that. I have to be fair to everybody on board."

"That doesn't mean that you can't have friends. I'm sure you'll treat them the same when on duty."

"But would they accept to be treated the same ?" she argued.

"You have to choose the right person..."

"And you think you are that person ??" she asked with a slight amusement in her voice.

"May be... You're the captain but you're also a human being with needs... I'm no expert, but I think for the sake of everyone on board, as well as your own, you require more than a holoprogram to fulfill those needs."

"You think I'm gonna go crazy if I keep going that way ?" she said sarcastically.

"Not crazy, but you're gonna grow old and bitter... And I wouldn't want that to happen."

"Why's that ?"

"Because I care," I said blushing. "I care for you."

"Why do you care ?"

"Wel... I'm not sure... I like you very much but I'm not sure in what way...

"Can you be more specific ?"

"It's delicate."

"Be frank, please."

"Well... I... I always thought that I wasn't gay, now I'm not so sure anymore. The only thing I'm certain is that it makes me sad to see you lonely and unhappy."

"I'm happy, I love my job..."

"Work isn't everything, or shouldn't be" I countered grumpily. "And you know what I meant."

"Seems to me that you have more problems with your identity than me."

"May be but I'm not asking you to resolve it. You asked me to be more specific, I was. For what I'm about to ask, I needed to be honest with you. Friendship is based on Trust and Truth and I wanted you to know my feelings for you before asking."

"And what is it you wanna ask ?"

"I'm sure you know it by now: to be your friend."

"Impossible."

"Why ?"

"Because you're under my command."

" Only when on duty... Do you deny the fact that you feel lonely and that sometime you wish you could have someone to rely on ?" I asked bluntly.

"I can't deny that, although it isn't any of your business," she grumbled. "I cannot be friend with a subordinate."

"If you wait for another captain from Starfleet, you may wait long..."

"Although I appreciate your concern, I can't accept your offer. And, if I may say without hurting your feelings, I'm not particularly comfortable with what you said earlier."

"I'm not asking you to sleep with me but to be friends: go walk on the street, go shopping in some holoprograms... I have a couple of them we could enjoy together."

"Out of the question."

"Fine, " I concluded stepping up, "if you change your mind, you'll know where to find me. Would it be all, Captain ?"

"Yes. Thanks for caring anyway."

"I always will!  Oh, Captain," I added before leaving the room, "I hope you realize that we just had a very friendly conversation! Unusual, but friendly."

I exited the room before she had time to add anything but I knew I had made a point right then. One week passed without any other contact other than professional between us. I had the feeling that she was testing me, giving me contradicted orders on a rude tone, testing my patience and maybe something else I couldn't analyze at that point. But I continued my work, obeying orders as usual as if we hadn't have any personal conversation ever.  Nevertheless, I had started a battle that I wasn't about to give up.  Eight days after our talk in her ready-room, I went back and rang her door chime.

"Come in," I heard her call through the intercom.

"Hi Captain."

"Ensign," she smiled that charming smile that was making my heart melt, "what can I do for you ?"

"I'm off duty and as I noticed that you will be soon off yours, I thought of inviting you to enjoy a trip in Montreal Quebec within the 20th century."

"I should have known," she sighed keeping her smile on her lips, "that you wouldn't give up that easily."

"Is that a yes ?"

"I shouldn't accept but... all right, you win ! I'll meet you in the holodeck in half-an-hour."

" Great!" I beamed. "See you there, Captain."

"Ensign ?"

"Yes Captain."

"Keep that information for yourself."

"Of course, Captain."

Walking toward the holodeck after having had a shower and got changed, I was truly happy that she had accepted. She was giving me a chance. No, in fact she was giving herself a chance. My responsibility now to prove that friendship was possible without ruining our working relationship.

"Computer, run program Pat-4.1, starting date November 7th, 1995."

"Program in progress. Please enter when ready."

I entered the holodeck and found myself in the tiny apartment four centuries earlier. I cleaned up the mess I had left last time I'd been there, had a small cuddling moment with the cat that was living there and asked the computer to create casual clothes for the captain. I wanted to show her the neighborhood and in November, better to be dressed warmly. I was just sitting down on the futon when Janeway knocked at the wooden door. I ran to open the door and she stepped in, looking curiously at the environment.

"Welcome in my Montreal's home, Captain."

"Thanks, but I'm not here as the captain," she rectified, "you may call me Kathryn. And before we go any further, I'd like to clarify some points."

"I know ! This is off duty on the holodeck, when we'll return to our stations, there will be only a captain and her ensign, no more Kathryn and Pat, no privilege, no special treatment... only duty! I'm aware of that and you can trust me. Nothing of what we will do or say off duty will transpire during work period or among the rest of the crew. I want you to feel free of talking about everything you want, knowing that I will not repeat it. I want you to relax and enjoy yourself."

"I appreciate what you're doing," she admitted with a smile.

"Did I pass the test ?"

"What test ?"

"The one you made me pass during the past week..."

"Was it that obvious ?"

"To me it was, yes. So.. did I pass ?"

"I wouldn't be here if you had not."

"Thanks... I suggest that you wear those clothes because it's pretty cold outside. I asked the computer to replicate a choice of clothing on your size."

"You think about everything..."

"I try! Do you want some coffee before we go ?"

"No thanks, but I'd like to know more about this place. Where are we ?"

"We're in Montreal at the end of the 20th Century. This is a typical middle-class apartment where my character, an unemployed single woman, lives with her cat." (LOL... guess that was easy to write about at that time! LOLOL...)

"Who's the man in picture everywhere ?"

"He's a comedian I appreciate but who's just a friend. He has a wife and a son. He owns a theater close from here, that's why I live here: so I can meet him in the street sometime." (ROTFL...)

"How did you recreate this setting ?"

"I found some old CD-ROM,s which were the top of technology at the time, with all the information I needed. I found also some really troubling stuff but I won't show them to you right away."

"Can't you tell me a little bit about it ?"

"It's regarding us."

"You mean: you."

"No, I mean US. You, me... and Voyager. I'll show you that some days but not now. Shall we go out now that you're all dressed up ?"

"Let's go..."

We left the apartment to go walk on Mont-Royal street where there was plenty of boutiques that I knew would interest Janeway.

"Kathryn, I'm really glad you accepted my invitation," I told her locking my eyes in the blue of hers.

"I appreciate what you try to do for me... I'm not sure it'll work out, but I'm willing to try."

"It will work out, I promise."

We spent almost two hours together, shopping and walking around. Kate was really enthusiastic about the stores windows that already had the Christmas decorations up. She enjoyed looking at clothes and jewels, discovering the twentieth Century and rediscovering Earth culture. It seemed to me that she was having a good time and I was delighted to see her unwind for a moment. She wanted to know everything about this time period and place and I answered her questions as much as I could. At no moment we talked about anything personal, nor her side, neither mine. We were enjoying each other's company and going further on a personal level would have been premature.

"Computer, save and stop program."

"Program saved," the computer said before the scenery disappeared.

Janeway and I were alone in the middle of an empty holodeck.

"Before we leave, " I said gently, facing her, "I'd like to say that you will always be welcome in any of my holoworld. I programed the computer so you can access them anytime you want, even though I'm not with you."

"That's very generous, but I won't come without your presence."

"One day may be... I hope you enjoyed your trip today."

"You know I did!"

"Will you come back ?"

"It's too soon to answer that question," she answered prudently.

"Right, it depends how we will react on duty," I analyzed without bitterness. "Let's say that if everything is fine, we'll meet here in a week from now, what do you say ?"

"Well..."

"If you don't come, I'll understand... Okay ?"

"Okay," she gave in.

"Great. Now, let's pass that door which will give us back our ranks and duty..."

"Before that, let me just thank you for what you did. I feel... different after those two hours in Montreal with you; and it's a good feeling!"

"I'm glad..." I said sincerely.

The holodeck doors opened and we left the empty room.

"See you tomorrow on the bridge, Ensign."

"Have a good evening, Captain."

We walked separate ways to go to our quarters. I was truly happy of that afternoon spent with Janeway as I knew she had relaxed, maybe for the first time in months. I had no doubt that we would spend other moments as nice as these.

Particularly the next day, but also the days after that, something had changed in the work environment. The captain didn't really change her way of working, but she seemed to have more energy, more enthusiasm in her moves. I was wondering if I was the only one to notice that or if others were also aware of this slight change. It didn't take too long for someone to underline that fact while Janeway had left the bridge to enter her ready-room and I forced myself to remain out of the wave of gossips that suddenly raised.

A week later, I was sitting in the holodeck apartment and I was waiting for Janeway, if she had decided to come which I wasn't sure yet. Fifteen minutes after the end of her shift, I heard two decided knocks and I went to open the door.

"Welcome Captain," I smiled despite my worry about her intention.

"Bonjour Pat," she answered in French with a terrible American accent. "Do you still want me here or did you change your mind about it?"

"Why on Earth would I have changed my mind?!  Friendship is not something I take lightly, Kathryn, and when I give it to someone, it's forever.  Of course I want you here!  Please be welcome and consider yourself at home."

"Thanks. I have to confess that I'm a little worry about what's going on on the bridge every time I'm leaving it."

"What do you mean?"

"Those chitchats about me..."

"Everyone is happy for you and wonder what's the cause of your well-being."

"I don't think I'm being different."

"You're acting the same but you're shining. Everywhere you go, suddenly the sun rises... even though you haven't said a word."

"Anyhow, I'm concerned," she said trying to hide her blushing at the compliment.

"Don't be. Once the crew get use to see you that way, the gossips will stop. But until now, they'd never seen you like that, they're surprised. That will pass..."

"I hope you're right."

"Kathryn, I'm glad you've decided to join me, despite our ranks and those gossips on the bridge."

"I guess you were right: I need to relax with a friend. I have to admit that I feel better since we talked... Although, I'm always watching myself to be certain to be fair when we work together."

"If you'd like, I could request another assignment so I wouldn't be under your direct orders anymore..."

"I thought about that, but I think I'll be able to handle it the way it is now. Moreover, you do an excellent job on the bridge, there's no reason to move you away."

"It could be one if you're not comfortable with the situation... I mean it, Kathryn."

"I have to adjust, that's all."

"Let me know if you can't... Now, what do you wanna do? I suggest that we change program to somewhat less rainy."

"How come you have a holodeck program with bad weather?" she teased me.

"I took the real data from that period of time and I have the computer playing it the way it was. Sometimes it's hot and sunny, some other times it's wet and cold... I can change that if you wish..."

"No, no. We'll come when the sun will come out."

"Is that a promise?" I asked teasingly without letting her answer the question. "I have something which you may enjoy... Computer, save and close program."

"Program saved."

"Access program Pat-8.4, starting date July 15th, 1988."

"Program in process," the computer answered as the new place appeared around us.

"Waow!" Janeway erupted."Where are we?"

"Grindelwald, Switzerland. In the CD-ROMs, I found where a couple of program in this country. The chalet on the right of the cable car is mine... and now yours as well!"

"Look at the glacier..." she whispered in awe.

"We can walk inside it, there's a tunnel for the tourists. In town, there's fancy stores. This was a very expensive place to be but the area is wonderful if you love to walk in the wild nature. And, opposite to North America, here there's no wolves or bears to be scared of."

"The view is breathtaking..."

"Back on Earth, where are you from, Kathryn?"

"Indiana"

"Did you ski?"

"No, my family was the beach kind; sun, surf and swim in the ocean..."

"Did you ever take a ride on a chairlift?"

"No, only in cablecar."

"Then come on, I'll show you something..."

I took her hand to lead her toward the chairlift station that would bring us higher in the mountain. It was a warm sunny summer day and the silence of nature was only disturbed as the chairs passed on the pylons or near one of the five intermediary stations. One hour later, we were at 3500 meters above sea level, enjoying a cold beer and a unique view on the Swiss Alps.  Janeway was beaming as I had yet never seen her and that made me happy too.

"See, I told you there was no reason to fear anything... and the view is worth the trip," I teased her softly.

"Indeed it is... Although I'm not sure I love those chair hanging on a small cable twenty feet above the ground..."

"Coming from someone who's in charge of a starship traveling around the universe, that's amusing."

"It's the lack of technology which is somehow scary..." she laughed with a hint of seriousness.

"If you want, we could walk down one station or two before taking it back but it's too long to walk all the way."

"How long?"

"Five to six hours."

"We should do that some day."

"Anytime!"

"For now, why don't we go down and walk around some stores in the village?"

"As you wish... I could show you the chalet too..."

"Great idea! Let's go!... Oh! I'm sorry," she apologized sincerely sitting back down, "I just acted like a captain."

"Not at all: you act like someone with great enthusiasm, someone who doesn't want to rest until she had seen everything. That's quite all right, Kathryn."

"Thanks for being so indulgent."

"I'm realistic. Shall we go?"

"See, that's how I should have said it," she noted rising from her chair.

We climbed on the chairlift, Janeway keeping a strong hold on the safety bar while I tried to distract her from her anxiety.

"May I ask you a personal question?" I asked tentatively.

"Of course."

"When is the last time you had a day like that?"

"Gee... We did some short trip with Mark, my boyfriend, but never far from the Academy. I was so busy building my career since I was eighteen, I didn't really break away more than half a day. I realize now that I shouldn't have, that I should have spent more time with the one I loved... It's too late to regret."

"- Do you have any children?"

"No... Of course not! Where would I have found the time for a baby?... No... We had a Golden Retriever."

"You'd like to have a child?"

She took some time to think before answering. "I guess if I had one, considering what happened to Voyager, it would only be one more love left behind. If we were in the Alpha Quadrant, my answer might be 'yes'... But then, if we were in the Alpha Quadrant, I wouldn't have thought that much about it and my career would probably still be the top priority. You're asking tough questions," she said suddenly, looking at me with a frown.

"Sorry..."

"Don't be. How about you? Who did you leave behind?"

"Nobody really... I had a boyfriend but we broke up a couple of months prior to my assignation on Voyager. No child, no brother nor sister... I left a few friends, that's all. Some of my friends have been assigned here too so I'm not quite alone here. And my rank isn't a barrier for new relationship..."

"Is it why you feel the duty of getting me some time off?"

"There's no duty, Kate. You're a young and pretty woman, you deserve more than what you've got. You need to give the huge weight of responsibilities to someone else, just to let your shoulders and your mind relax a bit. But you don't know how to do it, especially because there's no other captain who could come and replace you during your holidays. Even when you are with me, I know you told your first officers to call you in case of anything unusual... so you're never totally off duty. That isn't fair..."

"It's the job I chose."

"But when you did, you didn't know that we would be trapped so far away from the Federation, with no chance of relief."

"True, but I'm the one who took the decision of destroying the array which could have sent us home..."

"You did the only fair thing to do."

"There are people who disagree with that," she winced painfully aware of what the crew was saying behind her back.

"How about you? Do you regret your choice?" I asked softly, knowing I had hit a sensitive spot.

" No... but I sometimes wish that I wouldn't have had to take that decision."

"You saved thousands of lives doing what you did..."

"And lost hundred and fifty members of my crew in the Delta Quadrant!"

"We'll find a wormhole some day, we'll go back home..."

"That's what I want everyone to believe... but I'm not that much convinced myself," she admitted sadly.

"Nothing in life is vain. If the Destiny wanted us here, it's because we're needed. Everything in life has a purpose. Yours is to be the captain, mine is to care for you. At least for now, this is the way it is... It might change...

"You sound like an old tibetan sage. How old are you?"

"In this life, thirty-three," I laughed. "You?"

"Getting to forty-one."

"Close enough."

"What?"

"I said it's close enough. I mean... we only have eight years between us, so I guess I may understand what you're thinking... Oh, here comes the final station of this scary trip..."

"I'm not totally comfortable, it doesn't mean that I'm scared."

"I know, I'm just teasing you... What do you wanna do?"

"Shopping!"

We were enjoying our time in the many tourist boutiques in the village when the intercom interrupted our leisure time.

"Bridge to Janeway."

"Go ahead."

"Sorry to interrupt, Captain, but we're in front of a very unusual phenomenon. It looks like a nebula but is somehow organic..."

"I'm on my way, Janeway out. Well," she said turning toward me, "time to go back in the 25th Century... Thanks for the trip."

"My pleasure."

"Next time, why don't we go in on of my programs. I'm sure you'll find it interesting."

"I'd be pleased, just tell me when..."

"Next Tuesday?"

"Perfect! May I add before you leave that if you need some company, or someone to decompress with, I'll be there for you, anytime..."

"Thanks, I appreciate it. See you around..."

"Take care, Captain," I added as the holodeck doors opened to let her out.

We met like that once a week unless captain's duty or away missions were stopping us from those enjoyable moments. The more time passed, the closer our relationship was growing. As much as she had learned and accepted to lean into our friendship when off duty, as much she was comfortable as starship captain. She didn't talk much about her job but she was sometimes allowing herself to express her doubts when we were alone together. Her birthday was approaching and I knew that all the senior officers had prepared a surprise-party to which I was also invited, but I had some plans on my own for her on that special day. I knew the other party wouldn't last long, mostly because of everybody's duties and also because Janeway herself wasn't that comfortable yet around her crew, so I had reserved the holodeck for the evening.

Neelix called her from the galley and pretended having some urgent problems to discuss with her and she reluctantly agreed to go down there herself as most of her senior officers seemed to have disappear somewhere. When she entered the mess hall, she took only two steps before stopping dead on her track, bottom jaw dropping at the sight of all her main crew members welcoming her in a room filled with balloons and a huge banner wishing her a happy birthday. She was moved and I knew she was having a hard time keeping tears from rolling down her cheeks. Maybe for the first time, she realized that she wasn't as lonely as she thought and that many were truly appreciating her. Neelix had cooked some punch and little appetizers that weren't too bad although no one dared asking what it was made of. Talaxian cuisine still was a little too foreign for some of us who managed to avoid eating any. Despite the distance due to her rank, Janeway had some good time with her crew during the hour or so the party lasted and I left in the same time as some of the guests. I had a date with Janeway and I knew she'd join me in the holodeck a few minutes later.

I went straight there to finalize the program for the evening that I wanted exceptional. I ordered the computer to block any call with the exception of extremely urgent ones as I didn't want anything to disturb Janeway's birthday. Once every in order, I closed the program and asked the computer to create a changing room with the accessories the captain would need for the dinner party. I had replicated a dress for Kathryn, so after the evening she would be able to keep it and wear it for another occasion although that wasn't something she'd wear often, I knew.

When she arrived, everything was ready. She came in the holodeck, suspiciously looking around for clue about the evening.

"Hello Pat," she told me, her blue eyes questioning mine silently.

"Happy birthday, Kathryn," I answered kissing her cheek for the occasion. I was afraid she'd chastised me, but she just smiled warmly.

"Thanks. Where are we going? You sounded very secret about it."

"Indeed I was. First, you have to dress for it... You'll find there everything you need. They're no hologram so it's for you to keep after tonight. Please Madam," I said bowing as I showed her the tiny changing room.

Skeptical and unsure to be willing to go on with my plan, she hesitated a couple of second before entering the cabin slowly.

"Pat, it's incredible," she exclaimed once inside, seeing the dress for the first time.

"So try it on..." I smiled. *Oh yes, this evening was going to be fun*, I thought happily.

A few minutes later, she came out dressed in a magnificent 1900 Century blue dress like Cinderella must have worn for the prince ball. A tiny diamond necklace was hanging softly emphasizing the dress' low-cut and matching diamond earrings were amplifying Janeway's femininity, incredibly desirable. When she stepped out of the cabin, she took my breath away. Literally. The contrast between the austerity of her uniform and the sensuality of this dress was fascinating. It was like discovering the real Kathryn Janeway, the one that was so painfully captive behind the captain's authority.

"Pat, it's gorgeous," she said enthusiastically, turning around in front of me

"You are," I whispered emotionally.

She looked at herself in the mirror a few minutes, giving me time to catch my breath and regroup myself.

"How about you?" she asked suddenly. "You're not gonna stay in uniform I hope..."

"No, but my costume is part of the program. This dress is replicated and for you to keep."

"Oh Pat, you shouldn't have.."

"Oh yes I should," I whispered, totally mesmerized by the beauty in front of me. "Sh.. Shall we go?"

"Where?"

"Vienna, Austria, 1899, a ball at the Emperor's palace. Computer, run selected program."

A hug ballroom full of guests appeared around us while Janeway and I, wearing the same kind of dress but a little less sophisticated, found herself escorted by two charming cavaliers. The program was on pause as I thought Kathryn would like to take the time to assert the place before going with the game.

"You're pretty," Janeway complimented.

"Thanks," I grumbled, "I feel like a drag-queen! Pants are not allowed for women yet so to be with you, I had to wear a dress. Let me introduce our company: the count Alexander and the viscount Heinrich."

"Are we related?"

"Yes. We are - all four of us - brothers and sisters. I'm an old maid and unfortunately you've been a widow for five years. I can change that if you want..."

"No, that's fine. In a way, I'm really a widow."

*Ouch, didn't think of that! Damn!*  "It's not the time to think about that, Kate! I hope you'll have a great time tonight. Computer, unlock program."

Instantly, the room was filled with laughs, music and the chamberlain announcing loudly our arrival. Her «brother» holding her arm gallantly, a dazzling Janeway made her entrance, eyes wide open to see everything and an ear-to-ear smile that said a lot about how much my surprise was appreciated. Heinrich and I followed, slightly left behind as I wasn't too acquainted to high heel walking. Gallantly, both men held our chairs where we sat facing one another before going to the bar to get us some champagne. All the men had eyes only for Janeway who didn't realize it, too busy as she was at admiring the place. Near the bar was a large buffet full of replicated food that we thoroughly enjoyed despite the fact that we were interrupted often by all the gentlemen willing to dance with Kathryn and wishing her a happy birthday. At first, she refused the offers unwilling to let me alone at the table, but later during the evening, I was able to convince her to accept as I knew she wanted it very much. I had a great time watching her turning on the dancing floor, laughing out loud and enjoying the company of her dance partners.

The evening was wonderful, Janeway dancing with an energy and enthusiasm that I was admiring as I myself remained siting at the table. Not that I complained. I had programmed this scenario to be that way and everything was going as I had planned. I silently observed Kathryn who was enjoying the attention she was getting from all the men around and a veil of sadness passed over me as I realized how much she was missing moments like this, simply being a woman and having a good time. As for myself, I was rather uncomfortable wearing a fancy dress and high heel, and I certainly wouldn't regret getting back in my uniform later on, but Janeway was enjoying her birthday and that was all that mattered to me.

Late in the evening, she joined me and sat, exhausted but radiant.

"I'm sorry to say that," she said trying to catch her breath after the last waltz, "I'm on duty early tomorrow morning and I should leave this exquisite place soon."

"Whenever you're ready..."

"Aren't you bored?" she asked sincerely concerned. "You've passed the whole evening sitting here..."

"I had --still have- - a delightful evening. I mean it," I added seeing she wasn't quite convinced. "Don't forget that I programmed that thing. If I wanted to dance, I could have... How 'bout you? Do you have fun?"

"I have the time of my life! For a while, I even forgot that we were on the holodeck... Pat," she started on a more serious tone, "how can I ever thank you for all what you did since we started seeing each other?"

"Your happiness is my reward, pretty lady. I know a young man over there who'd like to dance with you..."

"I couldn't... I'm exhausted..." she laughed despite the sad look the blonde man was giving her.

"Next time, buddy," I told him. "Computer, save and exit program."

"Program saved."

The set disappeared and the only thing left in the holodeck grid room was the tiny changing room.  Kathryn changed quickly back into her uniform and with that, I regretfully saw her responsibilities coming back.

"Are you sure you want me to keep that?" she asked putting carefully the dress and accessories in a cardboard box.

"Positive! Computer, delete program cabin-1.1."

"Acknowledged."

Holodeck now cleared of any activities seemed more surreal than the ballroom we just left. I proposed to walk Janeway to her quarters and she accepted without hesitation.

"Do you want to come in?" she suggested once we arrived there.

"No thanks. You need to rest... and so do I."

"Well then... Thanks a million for tonight. It was wonderful, really."

"The pleasure was all mine," I assured her sincerely.

"I'll see you tomorrow on the bridge, then."

"Yes Ma'am! Bonne nuit," I finished in French after checking the corridors to be certain we were alone.

"Bonne nuit," she smiled before disappearing in her quarters.

Pensively, I walked to my own quarters, wondering where this relationship was leading us. Janeway was very important to me, maybe more than I ever wished. That was making me happy but in the same time, it was somehow destabilizing. I had reached a point where one day without seeing her was already too much. I craved to touch her, although despite a birthday kiss, I had refrained myself of any physical contact with her. That night, though, magnificent in her ball dress, she appeared to my eyes more desirable than ever and I was suddenly facing a problem for which there was no satisfying solution. Accepting friendship had been difficult for her already, accepting more was impossible and I knew it. Not even thinking about the fact that I had no way of knowing her feelings about lesbian relationship.  I slept very little that night.

A few weeks passed in a relatively boring routine as Voyager didn't encounter any new civilization. On board, we took that opportunity to do a full maintenance of all our equipment but even that proved eventless. It caught us by surprise when Harry Kim reported a distress signal a few light years away from us. Janeway didn't hesitate to change course to assist whoever was in need.  Fact is, nobody expected to be caught in the middle of a civil war between Sperians who had weaponry superior to ours. Those were four days in Hell for the whole crew and particularly to Janeway who was carrying on her shoulders the weight of each of her decision (for details, read the Pocket book «Incident at Arbuk»). Once, it was Chakotay who saved the day and Voyager with one of his 'Maquis trick', so un-federation like but thankfully efficient. When we finally left the Arbuk sector after solving part of the feud, Janeway was totally exhausted, both physically and morally. The doctor ordered her a few days of total rest but she was too stubborn to let that happen. Nevertheless, she gave command of the ship to Chakotay and requested to not be disturbed for the next twenty-four hours. From my console at Ops, I worriedly watched her leave the bridge, her extreme fatigue really concerning me.

When I got off duty one hour later, I was surprised to get a page from her.

"Yes Captain," I answered automatically.

"Could you come to my quarters ?

"I'm on my way."

"It's unofficial so if you have anything else to attend to..."

"I'm on my way," I repeated with the hint of a smile.

"Thanks," she sighed with a lassitude that didn't escape me.

When I entered her quarters, I suddenly felt embarrassed. We had been seeing one another for a few months now, but never anywhere else than the holodeck. It seemed easier to keep some professional distances afterward if we didn't meet in our personal environment. We had never talked about it, actually, but it was sort of a mutual agreement that had worked fine up until now. By inviting me in her quarters, she was deepening our friendship a few degrees and I was sincerely touched by the gesture.

"Please, have a seat," she invited being obviously tired and depressed.

"Thanks. You look exhausted..."

"I am," she admitted, "but I can't sleep."

"You should take a cup of herb tea, maybe have a massage and hop into your bed," I suggested.

"I keep thinking of all the danger we've been through in the last days..."

"Wanna talk about it?" I encouraged.

"I shouldn't discuss captain's matter with a subordinate, but I know I can trust you to remain silent about it."

"I won't say a word," I promised. "What's bothering you?"

"A few things, actually... First, I took an enormous risk by taking the ship in front of the cylinder knowing that the discharge was coming. If we had miscalculated it, even from a second, we'd have been blown away..."

"But we didn't. You took the only decision which could get us out of range of those three warships."

"I almost get us killed."

"No, you saved us all!"

"When I think about what could have happened, I'm scared," she confessed shivering at the thought.

I went closer and sat beside her, passing a comforting arm around her shoulder.

"You did the right thing," I whispered hugging her against me, selfishly enjoying the closeness.

"Then, I almost lost Tuvok by asking him a mind-meld with Sozoas.

"He knew the risks, he took the decision to do it anyway. And everything went right at the end."

"But if..."

"With ifs, we wouldn't be in the Delta Quadrant, or worse: we wouldn't have met."

"But I cannot keep my mind off those ifs..."

"Maybe I can help you with that," I said stepping up to reach the replicator. "Vervain tea with a hint of lemon and honey."

A steaming mug appeared and I brought it to Janeway

"Drink that and lay back," I ordered softly placing myself behind the coach on which she was sitting.

She took a sip, her mind still thinking about the events.

"Does it taste good?" I asked.

"Indeed..."

" Now lay back," I repeated starting to gently massage her tense shoulder and neck muscles, "and relax. Geez, you're so tense..."

"If Chakotay hadn't done his Maquis trick when I wasn't on the bridge, we'd be destroyed."

"Stop thinking about it," I groaned tightening my grip on her shoulder to get her attention. "Empty your mind... I want in your head the exact same vacuum we have outside the ship!"

"I'll try..." she sighed closing her eyes.

There was a moment of silence during which I felt her muscles relaxing a little, before suddenly tensing again.

"You're not working with me here," I told her sadly.

"I'm sorry..."

"All right, I have an idea! Close your eyes and concentrate on my hands and my voice... Now, visualize the holoprogram we've been in, the one in the Swiss Alps... Are you with me there?"

"Yes..."

"Remember the glacier we went in?" I asked forcing her to think about something else and feeling the relaxing effect that had on her muscles.

"Yes," she moaned softly. "I love what your hands are doing..."

"Good 'cause I'm not gonna stop," I smiled at my small victory. "Now back in that glacier, remember the color... that pure blue getting darker in the back... the silence... the mist of our breaths... so blue, so quiet... remember?"

"Ooh... yes..."

"And as we walked out, the blue became lighter and we could feel a light warm draft coming from outside... Then, we came out, the bright sun was so warm compared to where we've been... The silence gave its place to the soft noise of the wind in the treetops... Are you with me there, Kathryn?"

"I am," she admitted honestly savouring the relaxing massage I was imposing her.

"Just you and me in the middle of a small gravel path, surrounded by spruces and pines, beside the huge glacier... just the wind gently touchin' the trees... in the background, the beginning of a river coming out the melting ice... Light sound of it... Do you hear it, Kate?"

"Yes... Please don't stop," she begged.

"I won't," I assured her. "Take a sip of your tea, it will help to warm you up after coming out of the glacier."

"I'm not cold..."

"Work with me please!"

"Fine," she said drinking her herbal tea.

"Now, let's walk a bit down... What do you see, Kate?"

"...nature... the river growing..."

"Do you feel the warm wind? Do you smell the pines?"

"...almost..."

"You're not in it anymore," I realized regretfully.

"Sorry, it's the tea thing which woke me up... But I definitely want you to keep on going with your massage... It feels so good..."

"I'm glad you like it!"

"Is it a gift or did you learn that?"

"I took some massotherapy courses before being assigned to Voyager... Uh... I have a suggestion but... I don't want you to misunderstand it."

"You want to offer me a complete massage," she joked.

"Exactly," I said holding my breath waiting for her reaction.

"Oh," she dropped instantaneously serious. "I'm not sure to be totally comfortable with that idea..."

"Honestly, neither am I," I admitted. "But it would help you and your muscles to relax faster and more efficiently. Please, don't feel forced to accept," I added in an exasperating silence.

"I'm not forced but tempted, but being friend with a subordinate is one step; accepting a massage from that friend is another step. A big one..."

"You think as the captain again. What's bothering you is not the fact that I'm a woman who, as you know, has a crush on you, but the fact that I'm your subordinate... Amusing somehow... We're both not quite comfortable with it but not for the same reasons... Maybe then you should just plunge yourself in your jacuzzi after I'd left."

"But... I really love what you're doing on my shoulders. Suddenly I feel... relieved and my headache is gone..."

"It's the last decision you're gonna take today," I said interrupting the shoulder massage to come in front of her, locking my eyes in the sky blue of hers.

"Not the easiest one, though..."

"If I were a processional massotherapist, would you accept it?"

"Probably, yes..."

"I took the courses but I didn't go far enough to get a diploma..."

"You said you also weren't comfortable, why is that?"

"You intimidate me... and you know how I feel about you, you may suppose that I have something else in mind."

"Do you?"

"I won't take advantage of the situation, never. Remember what are the two basic words for friendship? Trust and Truth. I will never betray those two words, nor will I betray a true friend. Now, besides all our moral concerns, how do you feel, physically?"

"Tense and painful," she admitted, "except for my shoulders. I have to admit that I could use a good massage... Did you really take courses?"

"Yes I did."

"Why haven't you got a diploma?"

"I was assigned on Voyager for three weeks..."

"...half a year ago," she finished shaking her head. "Well Pat, looks like you're gonna get a practical test tonight!"

"You... you're accepting?" I questioned as I was totally puzzled.

"I need it. I can hardly stand up without screaming the pain I feel in my legs and my back..."

"Then I give you half an hour in your jacuzzi while I'm going to my quarters to pick up some herbal oil I'll need..."

"Sounds like a good plan to me...

"Computer, increase room temperature by ten percent."

"Acknowledged," the computer answered, "temperature will raise up to 25 degree Celsius."

"I don't want you to get cold," I explained to Janeway who was smiling at my concern.

When I came back fifteen minutes later, Kathryn was waiting for me wrapped in a purple bathrobe. She had undone her bun and tied her hair in a loose braid which made her look even more tired and vulnerable. I spread a couple of bath towel on the bed before turning to her, giving her a last chance to change her mind if she wanted to. I raised an questioning eyebrow and she answered with a smile before walking toward the bed. She removed the bathrobe and my breath got stuck in my lungs as I admired her perfect body as she was only wearing briefs. *God she's beautiful*, I thought before remembering that I needed to breathe to stay alive. She lied down on her back, perfectly aware of the effect her nudity was having on me and somehow perversely enjoying it.

"What herbs are in there?" she asked pointing to the oil bottle, giving me a chance to pull myself together.

"Thyme and lavender mostly," I answered happy for something else beside her body to concentrate on. "You'll have to let go," I explained as I started by working on her leg muscles. "Don't try to control your legs... Good... Did the bath help?"

"A bit... not as much as what you're doing..."

"I'm gonna work on your front muscles for a while, then you'll turn around. If I could suggest something, it would be a good idea to interrupt all intercoms except priority one and two."

"I don't like to do that..."

"You need to rest totally, not just a little..."

"Computer," she yielded, "lock on all com-links except priority one and two."

"Acknowledged. Communications are off-line."

"You have a terrible effect on me," she told me, enjoying the warmth created by the massage.

"What do you mean?"

"You make me do anything you want..."

"Hmm... Haven't thought about it, but in a way, that's true. You didn't want a friend, you've got one. You didn't take time off, now you do. You couldn't relax, now you are. You couldn't sleep, soon you will... Yeah, I guess you're right: I do have some influence on you. Although... I don't find that terrible."

"It might become that way some day..."

"Never in a million years!"

A long silence followed while Janeway was allowing herself to simply enjoy the attention I was giving to her exhausted body.

"How does it feel?"

"Unbelievably wonderful. You would've been a great massotherapist."

"I did the courses for fun not for a career," I countered softly.

During the half hour I spent working on her front muscles, I kept talking to her to help her forget about her duties and also prevent her from falling asleep before I had a chance to have her turn around to give me access to her back muscles. When I thought I had done enough, I asked her to lie on her stomach and she complied without a word. Lotsa work needed on her back, rock hard muscles reluctantly relaxing despite my touch.

"Now, Kate, I want you to focus on that glacier again, the soft noise of the wind in the treetops... and I want you to close your eyes, let yourself fall asleep if you feel like it. Don't fight it if you start to doze... Computer, decrease lights by fifty percent."

Slowly but surely as my finger kept working on her painful body, I could feel the muscles relaxing and I was quite happy about it. From time to time I was checking Janeway's face and despite her eyes closed, I knew she wasn't asleep yet. Her long braided hair were lying softly on the pillow and her whole body was relaxing in front of me, so beautiful, vulnerable and yet confident that I wouldn't abuse her trust. Silently, I admired her beauty and let myself savouring the feeling of my fingers on her soft skin.

"Are you sleeping yet?" I whispered seeing her breathing pattern becoming more regular.

"Hmm..." she vaguely answered.

"Good. Keep going..."

She had been sleeping for more than half an hour when I finally, regretfully, stopped the treatment. Her muscles couldn't be more relaxed and continuing would have been only for my personal pleasure, so I stopped. I couldn't resist caressing her soft body a last time before lying a bath towel on top of her and then the sheet on top of it. I sat a couple of minutes on a chair beside the bed and watched her sleep, forgetting about my own back pain. I smiled thinking that I had wreck my back to make hers feel good. If we were to make a habit of that, we'd have to replicate a massage table at the right height, but right at that moment, the only thing that mattered was that SHE was feeling good... and obviously she was. I admired her silently, listening to her soft breathing pattern and I felt privileged to be there, proud to be friend with this incredible woman.

"I love you, Kathryn Janeway," I whispered without leaving my eyes from her sleeping form.

Finally, regretfully, I stood up, took my oil bottle and I bent over her sleeping body.

"Sweet dreams, my sleeping beauty," I murmured before kissing her neck tenderly.

She didn't wake up and I left the room discreetly. Before exiting the room, I asked the computer to restore the proper room temperature without acknowledging the order and shut the lights down. I walked toward my quarters without encountering anyone, which was a good thing. I slept very little after being in my own bed, my head and heart full of images of Janeway's magnificent body.

I was trying to ingest Neelix's new breakfast recipe when Janeway made an energetic entrance in the galley, smiling and greeting everybody warmly. I was expecting that we would be at breakfast around the same time, so I had chosen to sit back to her table to avoid any personal contact, even a simple look.

"Good morning, Ensign," she told me as she stopped at my side for a moment.

"Good morning, Captain. How are you feeling today?"

"Much, much better, thank you," she answered, emphasizing the last two words so I knew she was not only thanking me for my morning concern, but also for the previous evening's attentions. "How 'bout you?"

"I'm fine, thanks."

"See you at duty call..."

"Yes Captain."

She walked toward Neelix who was already preparing her plate. Kim and Paris joined me, allowing me to forget Janeway's presence at the table behind me. While we were chatting and joking together, I could almost physically feel the captain's eyes on my back. When she left the galley, the room suddenly felt empty to me. Then Tom started to talk about her.

"She kept looking at us this morning," he said on a conspiracy tone. "I wonder why..."

"Your irresistible charm," I answered as naturally as I could manage.

"I thought she was looking at you," Kim told me. *yeah, I know !*

"Why would she?" I asked falsely puzzled.

"I don't know..."

"Harry," Tom continued, "did you notice how beautiful she is today?"

"As pretty as usual," the young ensign answered prudently, "but she's still the captain and you should watch where you put your feet with her..."

"Well gentlemen," I said getting up, "I'm going to let you talk between men. How to cruise a lady isn't really my concern! See you later, guys!"

"See you soon Pat," Kim answered as I could feel his disappointment to be left alone with Tom's ideas about the captain.

I just avoided, more or less cleverly, a conversation that could easily gotten embarrassing, but I had the bitter impression that my friendship with Janeway wouldn't be secret for long. I decided to get on the bridge and took my duty earlier than expected, hoping to be able to put my mind into something else than the night before. I relayed Leroy at Ops and did a quick check of what was going on around us. So far, nothing unusually, a few M-Class planets on a far range and some others without interest for us.

One hour later, Janeway made her apparition on the bridge.

"Good morning everyone," she said loudly.

"Good morning Captain," all of us six answered in perfect harmony, bringing a smile to her lips.

"Report Mr. Chakotay."

"Nothing unusual to report," he said quietly. "We're still traveling at warp 6 toward the Alpha Quadrant."

"Fine. You're relieved, Mr. Chakotay, and you may leave the bridge."

"Thank you Captain. Uh... If I may say something unofficial, you are dazzlingly beautiful today."

"That's the kind of remarks I don't want to hear on the bridge, Commander," she grumbled unable to avoid blushing at the compliment, "but thanks anyway. Dismiss!"

"Aye Captain," he said, a wide smile crossing his face ear to ear as he left the bridge.

There were more than a few smiles after Chakotay's unusual comment but Janeway was in a too good mood to reprimand them.

"Lieutenant Torres," she called after tapping her comm-badge, "I want complete reports on the shape of that ship, from warp core up to individual replicators."

"You'll have it in ninety minutes, Captain, but I can already tell you that most of the damages made by the Sperian attack are repaired."

"Fine. Keep the good work up. Janeway out. Ensign," she told me with the unmistakable tone of command, "I also want complete reports on all com-systems as soon as possible."

"Aye Captain," I answered starting to work on it immediately.

"I'll be in my ready-room doing some paperwork. Mr. Tuvok, you'll have the bridge. Call me if something comes up."

"Yes Captain," the Vulcan answered soberly. (can a Vulcan answer anything else but soberly??)

Fifteen minutes later, I had in hands all the reports Janeway had requested about communication system, including long range sensors. While Tuvok manned my station, I presented myself and the reports to the ready-room.

"Please have a seat, Ensign," she said officially although her tone was warmer than usual.

"These are the reports you requested, Captain," I told her as I gave her the PADD containing the data before sitting on the designated chair in front of her desk.

There was a silence during which she read the information I had gathered before she started asking some questions.

"I've read your report concerning the first communication with the distressed Sperian earlier today. I found it quite interesting. You said you used the ship to increase our receiving ability?"

"Yes Captain. Instead of using basic radiowave through our sensors, I used the ship as a big receiver, a big antenna if you prefer. That did increase our reception by 75 percents. By usual manner, we wouldn't have been able to communicate with him."

"Does it work for transmission too?"

"Not with our present configuration, but I could modify the subspace array with a frequency modulator, then reroute the transmission through the ship's structure. It may work..."

"Isn't there a risk that the radiowaves interfere with some ship's command?"

"It shouldn't be any risk," I said confidently.

"I want you and Torres to work on that. We may need it in the future."

"Aye Captain."

"Now," she continued leaving her rigid officer posture to get more comfortable in her chair, "I'd like to talk to a friend for a few minutes."

"Not long I'm afraid. Mr. Tuvok is holding my position on the bridge..."

"Acknowledged. You did some miracle last night."

"Did you sleep well?" I asked with a smile.

"Better than you can imagine. I feel, it's almost scary, like I'm twenty years old again."

"It shows... Everyone noticed..."

"That's the embarrassing point," she chuckled. "How can I ever thank you for the help you're giving me?"

"No thanks needed. Just to see you shining like today is enough to make me feel good."

"How long did you stay last night?"

"About forty-five minutes..."

"Gee... that long!... I didn't have much conversation, though."

"The point was to make you relax and sleep, wasn't it?"

"And you did a great job on that!"

"Glad I could help. Now Kathryn, I'm sorry but I'm on duty and I'm sure my captain would appreciate if I'm doing my job," I said half serious half joking, bringing a smile to her lips. "Maybe we can see each other after our shifts..."

"I'll let you know. Dismiss, ensign!" she concluded officially.

"Aye Captain," I acknowledge before leaving the room to take my station back.

*Business as usual*, I thought a few times during the day and during the next few weeks that followed. Janeway was relieved to see that our friendship, as intimate as it could become, was not an interference to the good march of ship activities. On the contrary. As our complicity grew, it wasn't unusual that I was anticipating her orders and started working on some diagnostics before she even asked for it. 'Working on it' became my regular answer to her requests and she knew that it actually meant 'already working on it', which made her smile quite a few times.

This serenity in our relationship was about to get jeopardized during an away mission on an M-Class planet.

Continued in part two