The characters in this story, with exception of a couple, are not my propriety and belongs to Paramount. I have written --and now posted-- this story with the only intent of having and sharing a good time, nothing more, nothing less.

This story was first written in two languages: french for descriptions and english for dialogues. I have here translated everything to be able share it with whoever is interested, but when I wrote it at first, I was still more comfortable writing in my native tongue, except I couldn't stand the dialogues in french... somehow, technobabble doesn't translate too well... *grin*  This story was also different of my previous work because it was the first one that includes an open homosexual relationship between two women in love.  Also, it's one of the very few stories written as "I" being actor and not just narrator.  Maybe a subconscious hint about myself, back then... LOL... Not that I need that anymore! *grin*  As for the character named Pat, well.. I have NO imagination for names, so I took the easiest to remember! LOL...

Language warning: English is NOT my native tongue, so please humor me on this!  :o)
Timeline warning: This is a First Season story, so it doesn't take in consideration whatever evolution the characters have gone through in the show. Yes, Janeway still has her bun! LOL...
Storyline warning: This is the second story of this series. If you haven't read Loneliness, you will not understand who's who and why...
Hurt/Comfort warning: Yes, there is both of that....
Violence warning: Although not as graphical as certain TV programs other people watch, there is some violence or it is implied.
Sex warning: Although not too graphical, yes there is some of that too... in a homosexual relationship. So, if two women in love with each other shocks you, I feel sorry for you and I'd strongly suggest that you choose another story to read, 'cuz that's what it is about in here. So... consider yourself warned!
Enough warnings: "Enough already, just go on with the  #!@%&* story!" ..LOL..

ENJOY your reading... Positive or constructive feedbacks are welcome.

Patty Pat.

Commençée le 20 novembre 1995
Terminée le 29 janvier 1996
Translated in May 1999
 

SACRIFICES
by Patty Pat

Summary: (because I haven't write a line about how and why they got there... I just have ideas to get them out! I guess I'll write the beginning later somehow... or not! LOL...)

After a few weeks of captivity on the M-Class planet named Taros, Tuvok, Chakotay, Kim and myself were starting to have difficulties to understand the behavior of our captain who, conspicuously seemed to take some distance from us to better get closer from our abductors... or more specifically the leader of those aliens. As we were all together all the time, I had been unable to talk privately to Kathryn Janeway and I was rather uncomfortable -to say the least- with her behavior. We had been intimate for months and she never let me believe that she wasn't enjoying our relationship as much as I did. The more time passed, the less she was spending time with us and i found that extremely peculiar.

It had been two days since last time we'd seen Kathryn Janeway and we were all worry for her, especially me. Nomila, the Tarosian leader who held us captive, was assuring her that she was fine, but none of us were believing him.

Suddenly, she appeared to us and our bottom jaw dropped open at the sight. She had exchanged her uniform for a long skirt split on the sides up to her waist, revealing her magnificent legs at each step, and an extremely revealing shirt with a extreme low neckline that was leaving little to anyone's imagination. Her long hair were loose on her shoulder, hiding a little of what the shirt was not. Kim and Chakotay both blushed at the sight, Tuvok raised an eyebrow, and I was too stunned to do anything but stare at her. This was not the Janeway I knew. She spontaneously came close to Nomilac and hung herself sensually on his arm, looking more like a total whore than a woman in love. Well, at least that was my opinion but I agree it wasn't an neutral one.  Tuvok, in good Vulcan, was the only one who controlled his emotions and he asked her how she was doing all right.

"I'm better than I ever have been," she answered like a teenager after her first date. I winced at her act. "I'm in love..." Yes, that was an act, I had no doubt now!

Even Tuvok looked stunned by the news. Despite all the sincerity she seemed to have said that, I couldn't believe it. I wouldn't believe it.  As if knowing my reluctance, she continued speaking right away.

"Commander Chakotay, you're gonna be the new captain of Voyager because I've decided to remain on Taros with the man I love."

"Ca.. Captain," Chakotay tried to say.

" No... you're the captain now," she smiled widely. "I'm gonna get married and, as a wedding gift, Nomi' has agreed on letting you go."

"Ah so, that's the deal," I said without anger.

"There's no deal, Pat," she said just too softly, "just a true love story."

"I'm sorry," I countered, "but I'm a tough public. You haven't convinced me, although I must admit the performance is rather good. "

"That's your problem," Nomilac said with an edge of aggressiveness.

"Let me talk to her alone, my love," she asked him, hugging his arm more strongly, "I'll explain it..."

"Is it necessary?"

"She's my best friend..."

"Fine, you have five minutes then I'll bring them to their shuttle."

Janeway made a sign for me to follow her and I did so quickly.

"So," I started, "you're sacrificing yourself to the sake of your ship and crew?"

"Now please, don't give me a hard time here... I got Nomilac to believe that I love him so you all could be free. Tuvok and I have a plan to get me out of here once you'll be on board. But you have to leave with the other!"

"How come I'm not more convinced with this new version?"

"Frankly Pat," she said wryly, "right now I don't care what you believe. I want you to promise me that you're going to leave without doing anything foolish like you did on Aldaz. Do I make myself clear?"

"Perfectly clear. I'll go because you're ordering me to do so... May I ask you a question before that?"

"Go ahead."

"You said to Nomilac that I was your best friend."

"You're way more than that and you know it," she sighed.

"So why are your lying to me?"

"Tuvok will explain it to you. Now you have to go."

We walked back to meet the group and Janeway retook her position at Nomilac's arm.

"Well... Good bye everyone," she said with emotion. "Gook luck on your way home..."

"What are we going to tell the Federation and your family when we'll be there?"

"That I found a place where I wished to stay, nothing else."

"We're gonna miss you," Harry Kim said shyly.

"Thanks Harry," she answered, tears threatening to fell. "You must go now... Pat, behave now!"

I didn't answer anything, but I was thinking that Janeway was a little over emotional for someone who had a plan to get back on the ship later. She didn't love Nomilac, of that I was certain, and there was no plan to get her once we'd be away. Something in all this was so wrong and it was making me sick of being unable to do something to solve the situation.

When the shuttle door closed, Chakotay lead a course toward Voyager which was waiting in high orbit.  As soon as we were back on the bridge, he gave new coordinates to Tom Paris and got ready to give the order to break orbit when I stopped him.

"You're gonna leave without the captain?"

"You heard her, she's no longer the captain."

"But she told me that she had arranged something with Tuvok to get her..."

"She was lying," Tuvok explain, "because she knew that you wouldn't accept the facts. That was a trick to get you on board."

"Am I the only one who see what's going on?"

"To see what, Ensign?" Chakotay asked dryly.

"That she did pretend that so we could be free..."

"She assured me that it wasn't the case," Tuvok answered.

"And you believed her? I thought that Vulcan have telepathic abilities..."

"We do."

"And you detected nothing wrong with what she said to us?"

"No."

"...Permission to leave the bridge," I asked seeing that I would be unable to convince anyone.

"Granted.  Mr. Paris, unless I order you otherwise, you'll engage the new course in one hour. That would give Janeway the time to contact us if she changed her mind."  Maybe I had set a doubt in his mind. Maybe hopes weren't totally lost, yet.

"Aye Commander," Paris answered, unable to call him captain.

I went to my quarters trying to understand what I was missing. I knew her too well to admit this sudden passion for Nomilac. Was I blinded by my own feelings? Could I be wrong on this? But then, why would have she pretended this pseudo-plan with Tuvok... That didn't make any sense. If she had to lie to get me back on the ship, it must have been because she knew I wouldn't buy her fairy tale. I could understand falling in love, but not with someone like Nomilac, so little educated, so little sophisticated... he was at the opposite of Janeway's taste.

And then, more by impulse than by thought, I took my decision. I prepared a backpack with a few vital items and left a recorded message for Tuvok to find later when he wouldn't see me at duty call. Then I went to Janeway's quarter in which I had regular access, took a few items she would need and walked toward transporter room three. A few second later, I was on Taros' surface, a few meters away from the entrance of the tunnel leading to Nomilac's place below the ground and in the middle of a giant snowstorm. I rushed inside the tunnel to find a little bit of warmth. In my pack, I had enough to survive for two persons for two days. I took my phaser in hand and started stepping down in search of Kathryn. During that time, Voyager -unaware of my departure- was leaving orbit at warp five.

I was sure that Kathryn must have kept her comm-badge near her so I tapped on mine to establish a link, knowing it would be only a temporary thing as Voyager was getting away from us and the link was depending on the ship's main computer. The communication was established without her knowledge and I was able to hear what was going on around her. If I had been wrong, I would be able to determine that by whatever conversation I would be eavedropping. And at first, what I heard could have make me believe that I was in fact wrong.

"So my love," Nomilac said, "we're gonna be alone soon..."

"It was so nice of you to let them go..."

"That was your choice within the wedding list, my dear, I respected it even though I would have prefer to destroy them."

"You haven't done it, I hope," she yelped worried.

"No darling," he answered sweetly. "Do you love me?"

"Yes I do," she answered cuddling him.

"You'll be a queen here. You'll have everything you need, everything you want..."

"Voyager just left the orbit and disappeared," a unknown voice said in the background.

"There we go," he said suddenly giddy, "now we're just you and me..."

"Are they really gone?" the words almost caught in her throat.

"Penko?" Nomilac questioned.

"Voyager left the orbit at high speed, Sir."

"There, you heard... You know what it means?" Nomilac asked lustful.

"It means the game is over," she said dryly, stepping back a couple of steps.

"What??" Nomilac choked.

"How could you believe that I could love someone as disgusting as you? I don't love you and I never will."

"You tricked me..."

"You bet I did! I had to find a way to get my crew and ship to safety, it's the duty of the captain."

"Very noble but terribly risky," he hissed barely controlling his anger.

"I know what the risks are. I'm prepared to die."

*Uho, speed up, Pat*  I shivered hearing her say that with such casually. She obviously thought a lot about it and it really didn't matter to her anymore, as long as her crew was safe.  Now that the truth was out, I was afraid of Nomilac's reaction, so I hurried toward the room where I suspected they were.

"Die? No... that would be to easy, pretty liar," he teased mischievously "You promised me love, happiness and children, you're gonna give them to me before you die."

"You won't get anything from me, Nomilac."

"We shall see that..."

He came closer with a mischievous grin and took her by force in his embrace. She tried to resist, but he was taller and stronger than she was and he brought her easily under his control. He forced a kiss on her and pulled her toward a knee high table with incorporated handcuffs and chains. She writhed forcefully to avoid the unavoidable, but he was able to lay her flat on her back and lock her hands. From the comm-badge, I heard the unmistakable click of the handcuff locking around her wrist. Janeway tried to kick him hard, but soon enough two others claps told me that her ankles had been locked too. I arrived at the entrance of the main cave where they were just after the last cuff had been set in place. When Nomilac saw a single tear rolling down Janeway's cheek, he had an sadistic laugh that resounded in the cave. I took a few minutes to analyze the situation before doing anything.

"To late to cry over your destiny," he laughed. "You promised me children and I want them..."

He leaned over and she turned her face to avoid the kiss he wanted to steal from her. He grabbed her roughly by her hair and forced her in place to accept his lips over her mouth. She moaned in disgust but was unable to escape it. He had started to climb over her and ripped her shirt to better roam her breast, bringing more pain and humiliation than anything else.

"I have to say," he panted still kneading her breast, "that you're a pretty good actress. You fooled everyone, even you're friends..."

"Not everyone," I finally yelled, phaser aimed to kill pointed to him. "Move away from her!"

"Pat," she whispered as much surprised as relieved to see me.

"Get away from her," I hissed.

"What do you think you're doing?" he asked taking a slight step away from Janeway.

"I'm going to show mercy to you. Something you didn't want to consider for Kathryn. I have no time to make you suffer like I wish to do."

"Pat," Kathryn tried to intervene, "don't..."

"See how nice she is?" I continued, my anger so high it made me ignore her concern. "She's trying to keep me from killing you... even after what you did to her."

"Then listen to her," he suggested.

"I just can't," I concluded, firing at him without the slightest bit of remorse.

He fell on the ground with a heavy thump but made no other sound. Dead. I quickly crossed the cave to unlock Kathryn's arms and legs. She awkwardly tried to close her ripped shirt with little success before getting on her feet.

"We have to go out of here quickly," I simply said taking her in my arms tenderly.

"Pat," she started holding me in place, "you scare me when you act the way you did..."

"What?"

"You shot him... and it wasn't an impulsion or self-defense, that was a cold blooded murder..."

"He was raping you, for God sake!"

"You could have stunned him."

"To give him a chance to catch us later? No, that was the only way, Kate. I'm sorry if I'm scaring you, but I see no reason to let him live. Now, unless you are more scared with me than here, I suggest we move away before anyone else comes around."

Without a word, she followed me through the tunnel toward the surface, where Voyager would be able to get a lock on us if they would come back for us. I understood her reaction and her fears. I had acted with extreme determination because of my feelings for her and she was afraid of that violence. In a way, she felt responsible. She had just witnessed a side of me she had never seen before, and not the prettiest side of me, I've gotta admit that, so I could understand that she would be scared of me.  I could understand, but it was still painful.

After half an hour, we were closer from the exit and Janeway was shivering. I saw an enclave in the rock that would allow us to be hidden in case Nomilac's men were patrolling around. I dropped my backpack and opened it.

"I brought you an uniform and some boots," I said calmly. "You should change while I'm checking the place..."

"You got me an uniform?"

"Yes, I took the liberty of going in your quarters to get it. If we ever go back on Voyager, I'll have a lot to confess and be punished for..."

"You mean," she worried while stepping out of her ripped clothes, "you didn't come back with the ship?"

"No, I left it before she went away."

"Oh God," she exhaled "now we're two to be trapped here!"

"Shhtt, someone is coming," I whispered pushing her further in the crack without forgetting to hide the bag and clothes that had been on the ground.

The enclave was barely deep enough to hide us both. Half dressed, Kathryn had her naked back leant against the freezing rocks as I had my own back against her front. I had my phaser in hand, ready to kill if anyone spotted us. I felt her arms settling around my waist and Kathryn holding me tight against me in an attempt to avoid touching the rocks behind her. A group of four men passed in front of us without seeing us and kept walking beyond. We waited a couple more minutes before moving out.

"You shouldn't make so much noise with your teeth," I teased in a whisper once the danger was gone.

"I'm freezing..." she shivered.

"I bet you are," I answered, checking the empty tunnel before stepping out, giving Janeway enough space to finish getting dressed. "Okay, coast is clear."

She hurried to put on her grey turtleneck and her black and red uniform on top of it. During that time, although I kept watching our surroundings, I served a mug of hot black coffee that I held to her with a smile.

"Janeway's personal setting number three," I said, closing the thermos bottle.

"My favorite... You don't take any?"

"Not yet, I'm not cold enough," I said firmly, hiding her Tarosian clothes she wouldn't need anymore in the depth of the rocks.

While she was slowly sipping on the hot liquid, I rubbed her back vigorously to warm her up as much as I could.

"Feeling better?" I asked after a few minutes.

"A lot better, thanks."

"You're quite welcome. We should move now..."

"Where to?... I mean if Voyager isn't around, why bother?"

"I want to believe that they're coming back. I found a small cavern near the surface, inside enough to have a reasonable temperature and close enough for the transporter to get a lock on us. Come on, let's go..."

She followed me without really being convinced that it was worth the trouble. We both were wearing our thermo-controlled uniforms that were keeping the heat inside and the wind outside, but we were getting colder by the minute nevertheless. Maybe she was only following me to keep her body active and warmer, but as she remained silent, I could only guess. The important now was to be in position at the moment Voyager would get back.

Fifteen minutes later, we had arrived in the cavern I had seen earlier. I had brought with me three insulated blankets, so I spread on the ground, I wrapped one around Janeway's shoulder and wrapped myself with the third one. I sad on the ground, leaning my back against the rock and invited Kathryn to sit in front of me, her back leaning against me to share our body heat.

"Are you okay?" she worried as she laid back.

"I'm fine."

"Ain't I too heavy, pushing you against the rock?"

"Don't worry, I'll tell you if it becomes uncomfortable. How about you? Not too cold?2

"No... Not at the moment... What makes you believe that Voyager will come back?"

"No one on board really wanted to leave you behind. I left a message to Tuvok explaining what I did and I hope they will use me as a pretext to come back and check if you're really happy..."

"And if they don't?"

"Remember on Aldaz? You didn't want to believe but they did come back... It's the same thing now."

"Optimistic as usual," she said non-commitally"You know, regarding Nomilac and I, you could have been wrong..."

"I realize that."

"What would you have done if I really loved him?"

"You wouldn't have known that I came back. I would have waited here until Voyager get me and then face the consequences of my act."

"And if they didn't come back?"

"I don't want to scare you again, sweetheart, but I'm not only ready to kill, I'm also ready to die for you!..."

"Don't say that," she shivered.

"It's the truth..."

Silence extended during which I was unable to analyze my companion's thoughts.

"If Voyager comes back, when do you think they'll be here?"

"A couple of hours depending how long it takes before they agree on a decision... Do you want some coffee," I suggested.

"If we have to wait more than two hours, maybe we should keep it for later..."

"I have a couple of thermo-containers."

"In that case..."

I extended an arm out of the warmth of the blanket to grab my bag and I extracted the bottle and the plastic mug. I filled it and hurried my arm back under the cover.

"Want some?" she asked handing me the mug after having taken a couple of sips.

"Thanks," I accepted, moving as less as possible.

We shared two mugs before regaining our initial position, holding tight together in hope of saving our energy and warmth. Silently, we waited almost three hours, warming up with some coffee from time to time. When my comm-badge chirped, Janeway jumped as high as I did, so unexpected was that noise in the oppressive silence.

"Chakotay to Smythe," the voice repeated over a lot of static.

"Go ahead," I articulated despite the cold that seemed to freeze my jaw tight.

"We'll beam you up and you're gonna explain me what on Earth you think you were doing," he threatened.

"Fine, but make it two to beam up. I have the Captain with me."

"Is... Is she willing to come aboard?"

"I am," she answered between shivers. "Please, beam us directly to sick bay."

"Aye Captain!... Energizing..."

A few seconds later, we were both in the warmth of Voyager's sickbay with the doctor rushing to check on us. He injected us with something to help us fight the hypothermia and told us that we would be back on our feet within twenty-four hours. Seeing in what state of exhaustion we both were after fighting the cold for so long, Tuvok and Chakotay decided to let us rest without mentioning Janeway's sacrifice or my lack of discipline. The doctor gave us some sleeping pill and we slept more than twelve hours to regain all the energy we had spent while waiting for Voyager's return.  After that, the doc allowed us to leave sickbay under the condition that we wouldn't go back on duty for another day.  Each of us would have many things to analyze, particularly Janeway, and we decided to split and spend those next hours alone in our respective quarters.

When I got convoked officially to the conference room to answer about my actions, I had had no personal contact with Kathryn since the doc had released her and I had no idea what were the results of her thinking. It worried me more than whatever punishment I would get for trespassing Chakotay's orders.

"Come in, Ensign," she smiled palely, inviting me to join the group around the table.

All looked frankly displeased, except Janeway's who body language was neutral, to say the least.

"I know," she began, "that we have some disciplinary measures to talk about, but I owe you some explanations and I wanted Pat to be there as well."

I startled when I realized that she used my first name instead of my rank. *Odd* I thought.

"The safety of the ship and its crew," she continued, "is a top priority for me, like for every captain I suppose. The only way out from Taros was the way I did it and I would do it again if needed."

"The sacrifice of the captain is a terrible way out," Chakotay underlined.

"It's a desperate one, I agree with you, but it was necessary. Although, I don't see it as a sacrifice but as my duty. My plan could have worked fine if Pat hadn't be around..."

"Don't you prefer this ending to the one you had in mind?" I asked softly.

"Of course I do, even though I don't appreciate the way you handled certain matters," she said and I knew without a doubt that she was referring to Nomilac's death. "I had chosen to stay behind so he would let you go and I had to make you believe something credible enough to keep you from coming back. I even fooled you, my dear Tuvok."

"You never lied to me before," he explained, "so I had no reason to doubt and use my telepathic abilities to know the truth. I assumed you were telling it and it was a mistake which will not happen again."

"You mean you're not gonna trust me anymore?"

"When in doubts, I'll double check to make sure we don't leave you behind with all the problems upon your shoulders."

"Thank you my friend," she sighed sincerely. "I'm sorry I had to lie to you all, but I couldn't see other alternatives to get you free."

"What's bothering me," Chakotay added, "is the fact that none of us wouldn't accept to believe you were lying, even when Ensign Smythe came to speak out what she thought."

"Don't worry, Mr. Chakotay," Janeway answered patting his arm to better underline her words, "I take it as a compliment for my talent as an actress!...  Pat and I have a very special relationship and she knows me more than everyone aboard Voyager. She knew me too much to believe what I said... We're so closely connected that we know what we think without saying a word. Like right now, she's asking herself why on Earth I'm telling you what we've been hiding for months..."

"Indeed," I smiled.

"I wanted to speak out so they would understand why you left the ship without authorization and why I'm withdrawing myself from the ethical committee which is going to judge you on that matter."

"I'm sorry, Captain," Paris interrupted, "but are you telling us that there is a... love affair between you two?"

"That's exactly what I'm telling you, although we probably don't have the same ways of understanding 'love affair'..."

"Was it already the case when you disobey orders on Aldaz?" Tuvok asked me.

"That's where friendship took a deeper sense, yes."

"And that's also why you resigned from the bridge," Chakotay said, more a realization than a question.

"Correct.  Being together off duty was putting the Captain in a complicate situation when we were on duty."

"But we never agreed on that point," Janeway underlined with a slight grin.

"True."

"Mr. Paris," Kathryn continued in a motherly tone, "you seem to be... confused a little."

"No... yeah... well..."

"It's time to be honest. I'm open to talk now but once we'll leave that room, I don't want to hear a whisper about it. Express yourself freely, Tom..."

"I'm sorry, it's none of my business," he stammered. "I'm surprised, that's all..."

"Keep going," she encouraged. "Surprised because I have feelings?"

"I never doubted that but I didn't think that you would love... a woman."

"Like I said earlier Tom, we don't have the same understanding of love. May I remind you that I have a boyfriend on Earth? A boyfriend I love dearly and who I miss a lot... May I also remind you that brothers and sisters LOVE each other?... I know you're a young, impetuous young man, but love isn't always sex!"

"Yeah... Uh... I'm sorry," he blushed, looking at a suddenly interesting pattern in the wood of the table. "I hadn't thought about the sister thing..."

Nobody noticed my confused look at the other side of the table. She admitted our relationship and then backed out behind some sisterly love... I didn't understand her and I was not only utterly confused but also somehow insulted that she would assume the fullness of what she had started to admit.

"Mr. Paris," she continued ignoring my questioning look, "what do you think of your captain? Be honest..."

"You're a great captain," he blurted out, sincerely enthusiastic.

"If, and underline "if", if I were a lesbian, would it change your way of seeing me as a captain?"

"No Ma'am."

"Would it change my way of command?"

"I don't think so."

"Then, there ain't a problem, is it?"

"No Ma'am!"

"Good!... Now," she continued for the rest of the group, "there is a couple of things I'd like to add before you go on with the disciplinary procedures. First is that I'm glad that you came back. Far as you were, nothing in Starfleet Protocol was imposing you to turn back to pick up someone who ran away from the ship.

"There was a slight possibility that she was right," Chakotay explained, "and we wanted to be sure she wasn't... I guess we all felt guilty of letting you down..."

"If you knew the Captain better," I said softly, "you'd know that she would never quit voluntarily her position before bringing us back in the Alpha Quadrant..."

"I've observed that humans are often becoming irrational when they're in love," Tuvok said solemnly.

"The second point I want to bring up," Janeway continued ignoring the Vulcan's comment, "is the fact that when she left the ship, Pat had no idea if you would come back or not. She was ready to die, whether she was right or wrong. I want you to remember that during the... trial."

"Captain," Chakotay said, "there's one question I'd like to ask you..."

"Go on."

"If you were here with Smith willing to stay and Jones leaving the ship to get Smith pretending she's lying... what would YOU do?"

" You mean the same circumstances but no officers involved... I'd probably come back... but I can't be hundred percents affirmative on that one. Do you suggest that if I haven't been the captain, you wouldn't have come back?"

"If you hadn't been the captain," I specified, "you wouldn't have sacrificed yourself!"

"But suppose that Nomilac had a crush on Jones, what would had been your decision Mr. Chakotay?"

"If you weren't involved, you'd be the one taking the decision," he answered eluding Janeway's tricky question.

"Stalemate," she smiled. "Now, as we move into serious business, I'd like to stay as a witness or an observer. I know I told you that I don't want to be involved with the trial and verdict, but I know that Pat is going to hide some facts to protect me, even though that could put her in more trouble."

"I have no objection," Chakotay declared.

"Nothing in the protocol forbid such behaviors," Tuvok spoke. "But I must remind you that you're not to interfere with neither the verdict nor the sentence."

"I understand that."

"Fine, then we'll take five minutes before we start. Recess," Tuvok said officially.

"I found all that a little exaggerate," Paris sighed standing up.

"Why?" I asked him.

"You should be treated like a hero, you saved our captain, but instead we judge you like a criminal."

"I'm no hero, Paris, but I did jump over procedures!"

"They could have put you on report, that would have been enough..."

"I've already been on report before," I reminded him moving away. "Kate, may I speak to you?"

"Sure," she answered with a disarming smile.

"What was the purpose of telling them what's between us?" I asked her once we were away from the others.

"I said it: I want them to understand why you did it and why you knew I was lying."

"Then why did you back out with the sister story? Are you afraid of the truth?"

"Somehow, yes," she admitted. "But I wasn't wrong when I said that love isn't always sex..."

"But we did have sex," I reminded her in a whisper.

"Yes but we're not jumping at each other for no reason."

"I'm sure that with Mark you acted the same and though you don't call him brother."

"It's not the place to talk about that. Pat, I'm sorry if I hurt you, but you're right, I'm still not quite comfortable with the fact that I'm in love another woman... We'll talk later about that, okay?"

"Okay..."

The session resumed and Tuvok asked me to tell in details the events starting when I decided to leave the ship and ending when Voyager beamed us back up. I told my story, forgetting voluntarily some facts while Janeway listened silently, sometimes slightly shaking her head in disapproval but never voicing it. After that, Tuvok, Chakotay and Paris questioned me, forcing me to detail more certain things that I would have prefer not saying.

"What were your thoughts when you decided to go back on Taros?" the Vulcan asked.

"I was focusing on getting Kathryn out of Nomilac's hands."

"Did you have a plan?"

"No," I smiled at the thought of my foolish enthusiasm, "except that I did prepare myself to be wrong. When I arrived on the surface, my first move was to get the comm-link between her and me so I could hear if I was right or not."

"What if you were not?"

"Kathryn wouldn't have known that I went back, but I have no idea what I would have done.

"What if Voyager hadn't come back? Did you have a plan for that?"

"No... Frankly, I really don't know what would have happen... And I'm not sure I want to imagine that!"

"You realize then that it was foolish to go there without a plan, that you could have both died..."

"I had to take a chance, I didn't want her to get hurt. One step at the time... Once together, we could talk to find a solution."

"When you joined them, were they fighting?"

"... yes..."

"You don't seem to be sure," Chakotay noted.

"Well... I don't want to tell everything on that matter because this has nothing to do with the reason of this trial. Let just say that he was hurting Kathryn and I had to act quickly."

"We need to understand your motive," Tuvok explained. "Were they fighting?"

Janeway was avoiding my look and was biting her thumb nail, reliving in her thoughts those painful moments.

"He had tied her up and she tried to resist as much as she could."

"What was he doing to her?"

"He was hurting her. That's all you need to know."

"Are you refusing to answer the question?"

"Yes."

"He was... raping me," Janeway articulated hardly, her face blank and her eyes looked on a point at the horizon.

A heavy silence followed her words.  Then Tuvok, the less embarrassed of the interviewer, resumed his questioning.

"Then what did you do?"

"I order him to move away from Kathryn and I killed him."

"Did he have a weapon?"

"I don't think so."

"Then it wasn't self defense?"

"No, it was revenge," I hissed between clenched teeth.

"May I remind you," Janeway specified regaining control of her emotions, "that we're not here to judge what happen on Taros but because of some discipline matter..."

"Do you regret your act?" Tuvok continued.

"Not a bit!"

"Lieutenant," Paris slipped, "the captain's right: we're not here to judge if it was wrong or right to kill a murderer-rapist-dictator and whatever... We know more than we need to get a verdict, don't we?"

"I think we do," Chakotay agreed.

"Murder is a serious matter," Tuvok argued.

"But it's not our purpose today to judge that..."

"I have a last question," Paris changed the subject, "you keep referring to the captain as Kathryn, does it mean that you went back for Kathryn more than for the captain?"

"At that point, I couldn't care less for ranks. I had a very dear friend in trouble and I had to help her. Whether or not she was the captain had nothing to do with my decision."

"Thank you. You now may leave the room so we'll be able to discuss your case."

"I'm going too," Janeway said. "But before you give her the sentence, I'd like to be informed personally."

"We'll call you right away, Captain," Tuvok assured her.

We left the conference room to retreat in my quarters. Kathryn seemed more anxious than me in the wait of the verdict.

"Maybe because I know what you risk," she answered as I pointed that fact to her. "They want to set an example with you..."

"I know... but don't worry, they can't send me anywhere else. Could they take my rank away?"

" Not without my authorization and they won't get it."

"That's good," I sighed with a certain relief. "Do you want some tea?"

"Something relaxing, yes please."

"Vervain tea for two," I ordered the replicator. "I... I assume, after hearing what you said earlier, that I'm not scaring you anymore. Am I wrong?"

"No, I thought about it last night and I realized that I'm deeply touched by what you're ready to do for me. You seem to care a lot for me and it warms up my heart to know it."

"'Care a lot' is a major understatement, dear captain," I said passing tenderly my arm around her shoulders. "I love you more that you can even imagine..."

"I love you too, cookie," she answered softly, "and I begin to realize how much I need you beside me."

"I intend to stay beside you as long as you can endure me!"

"You'll get tired of me before I'll stop enduring you... Although... I have to tell you that I don't appreciate the way you killed Nomilac."

"I know you don't and in the future I'll try to be more in control of my behaviors. But I have to warn you that I will hate everyone who's gonna harm you, physically or morally. I can't control that..."

"Just try to be more... diplomat, will you?"

"I'll try, sweetheart," I promised laying a soft kiss on her forehead.

We had been sitting side by side for about half an hour when her comm-badge chirped.

"Yes Mr. Tuvok," she answered nervously.

"Do you want to join us or may I speak to you alone now?"

"Speak now, please."

"We've decided that Miss Smythe will get the following sentence for desertion: First, she'll be forbidden to use the holodeck, even with someone else, for six months."

"You mean she can't come with me either?"

"Exactly. Second, she won't be part of any Away Team at least for the next six months."

"We need her on Away Mission," Janeway argued despite the lump in her throat. "She's a great officer, technically and humanly speaking..."

"She refused orders," Tuvok reminded her. "Captain, you said you wouldn't argue..."

"I'm just giving you my opinion. Please continue."

"Third, she'll do three hours every day of what we could call community services. Fourth, and last, she's not to be seen privately involved with you for the next two months."

"What?" she barked as my bottom jaw dropped open in shock. "You... you can't order that... Our private life has nothing to do with the ship discipline codes."

"That's because of your private life that she left the ship and that's the second time she disobeyed order because of it."

"Do you realize that you're also punishing me with that? What did I do to deserve this?"

"Nothing I'm afraid, but..."

"Let me tell you something, gentlemen, Pat is my balance. I need her. Before we knew each other, I was barely surviving. Since, I'm living again. You can't take her away from me like that..."

"I've known you for five years, Captain," Tuvok argued gently, "and you'd always done great, even before your encounter with Miss Smythe."

"You don't know what you miss until you have it, Mr. Tuvok. You want to make an example with her, I understand that, but you can't do that to me... The whole thing is, in my opinion, way exaggerated but the last point is totally outrageous."

"I'm sorry you feel that way, Captain, but I must remind you that you agree not to argue with us..."

"Fine, fine," she grumbled. "At least, may I ask you a favor?"

"Go ahead."

"Convoke Pat only tomorrow so we could spend the evening together. That's only a slight delay for you and it'd mean a lot to me," she added as Tuvok remained silent.

"We will convoke her for tomorrow at nine hundred and you may join us if you wish. Please do not discuss that matter with her until then."

"I'll try. Janeway out."

A couple of seconds later, my own comm-badge chirped and Tuvok's voice convoked me for the next morning as agreed with the captain.  Then the heaviest silence stalled in the room, saying more about our feelings than any word could have said.

"Do I get a chance to argue the sentence myself?" I asked after a few minutes of silent hugging with Janeway.

"Yes, then they'll have a brief meeting to decide a final verdict. That one is not to be argued. Pat... two months," she moaned hugging me more strongly.

"It's a long time," I admitted sadly, "but it's a small price to pay to have you back safely on board..."

"Maybe..."

"And we'll still see each other during duty hours... It's not like if we were completely separated..."

"No physical contact, no massage, no holodeck's trip, no relaxing conversation..."

"It'd be like the first ten months aboard... you survived it once..."

"I didn't know what I was missing then... now it's different."

"Well," I sighed, "we won't have any choice I'm afraid. I'm gonna argue against it, and against the Away Team sentence too, but I don't think it's gonna change anything... We'll see tomorrow. Now, you're not supposed to discuss that with me!"

"To whom am I supposed to talk with then?" she spat angrily.

"Calm down... Will you stay with me tonight?"

"I'd love that..."

"So would I!"

"I have something to get in my quarters," she said with some energy back, "and I'll be right back."

"That will give me time to take a sonic shower then...!

"See you soon, love" she concluded posing quickly her lips over mine in a tender kiss before leaving the room.

When she came back about fifteen minutes later, I was wearing some sweat pants and shirt and I was deep in thought about our situation. She announced that she would quickly freshen up before disappearing in the bedroom.

Ten minutes later, she stood proudly on the door threshold and she stole my breath away. She was wearing a pink silky nightgown that was very revealing and her hair were falling freely on her bare shoulder. The gown was barely knee length and was open in the side up to her waist, letting her beautiful legs teasing my imagination.

She walked slowly, sensually toward me and my heartbeats probably doubled while I suddenly remembered to breathe.

"You're... astonishing," I whispered unable to find any word matching the vision that was walking toward me.

"You like?" she teased with an mischievous smile.

"Oh yeah!"

"There is some leggings to wear with it," she murmured posing her arms on my shoulders, "but I thought you'd prefer without them..."

"Great thinking," I approved posing my hands on the small of her back as her mouth came closer to meet mine.

We kissed passionately and while her hands caressed the back of my neck and pressed me closer to her, mine were wandering on the silk covering her back, almost as soft as her own skin. Without releasing the embrace, we reached the bedroom where Kathryn had lead us.

Once our craving for physical comfort was relieved, we remained lying side by side, tenderly curled up together silently for a while, simply enjoying one another's presence.

"Like sisters, huh?" I teased as I let nonchalantly a finger caressing her left breast, enjoying the effect that simple touch had on her whole body.

"I guess that we're a little more than that," she whispered savouring the well-being we were both feeling at the moment..

"A little..."

We chuckled at this obvious understatement and our laugh ended up in a tender kiss..

"How are we gonna live the next months?" she asked a few minutes later.

"I don't know, my sweet love, but we'll manage... Things could be a lot worse than that..."

"Yeah," she sighed, "I guess you're right..."

"Aren't you hungry?" I gently changed the subject.

"Not that much... are you?"

"Yes, but I'm not willing to quit that comfortable position we've got here!"

"If it's our last evening together before two months, we should have a great dinner and then come back right here..."

"Sounds like a plan to me," I agreed without moving. "Do you think that Neelix still have some left over?"

"There is only one way to know..."

I preceded her thought and reached for her comm-badge on the night table.

"Janeway to Neelix."

"What is it, Captain?"

"I'd like to know if you have some food left for two hungry persons."

"The captain will always have whatever she wants..."

"That would be right now, Mr. Neelix. We want anything you have for two..."

"I don't have much, but I can cook something if you can wait... let say... half-an-hour."

"Fine, we'll be there in thirty minutes," she confirmed. "Thank you Mr. Neelix. Janeway out."

"So much for the romantic dinner," I sighed with a smile.

"At that hour, there no one at the mess, so it'll still be just you and me."

"And Neelix!... But I'm hungry enough to go anyway."

"Think of the rest of the night we're gonna have," she winked.

"Is that a promise or a threat?" I laughed.

"Both! Who gets the bathroom first?"

"Be my guest, dear..."

The evening was pleasant, but as the hours passed Kathryn was becoming more tense. Neelix had cooked something rather exotic but surprisingly tasty. We spent one hour in the galley before getting back to my quarters for more lovemaking. We couldn't have enough of each other, as if we had to stock some to last the next two months of separation. We had very little sleep that night and we gave in to it only when our bodies were too exhausted to do anything else.

Janeway was sitting as her usual place, taut in her chair, Chakotay was on her right and Tuvok on her left. Paris was beside Chakotay who was opposite of me and was looking at me sadly. I smiled in a friendly gesture that was returned instantly.  After Tuvok gave the sentence, I calmly objected certain points while Janeway kept looking at me intensely.

"I'd like to object on two points," I started. "First, regarding the Away Missions. I guess you don't want me to be part of them so I can't get personally involved but Voyager is a small ship and news travel fast. If I learn, and I will, that something is happening to the captain, I'll probably go there anyway. If I'm part of the mission, there would be less reason for me to run away..."

"Are you telling us that you'll ignore procedures again?" Tuvok frowned.

"I'll do it anytime Kate will face a danger! No matter what the consequences will be. Which bring me to the second point I'd like to object. You want me to avoid any personal contact with Kate for the next two months. Do you really believe that it will make me change my decision if the same facts occur again? Between two months without her or to let her suffer without doing anything, what do you think my choice will be? And, Gentlemen, I have to add that you're not only punishing me with that, you're also punishing your captain. And that is unfair. That's all I have to say."

The three officers retired for a few minutes to debate my objections while Kate and I were left alone in the room. I stood up and walked behind her, posing my hands tenderly on her shoulder and massaging a little of the tension away. When they came back, the captain and I hadn't exchange one word as we knew too much what the other was thinking about. Regretfully, I let go of Janeway's tense shoulders and walked back to my seat to wait for the final decision.

"As we discussed, your sentence had been revised a little. Because some of your arguments were right, because what the captain told us was also right, we have reduce the lengths of some punishment. First, you'll be out of Away Team for two months instead of six. Then, you're not to be privately involved with the captain for five weeks instead of two months. The use of the holodeck is forbidden for six months and you'll do community jobs three hours a day for six months also. This is the final verdict."

"When does it start?" I questioned, my eyes locked on Janeway's.

"Will give you two half-an-hour," Tuvok answered seeing that the captain was taking the verdict rather badly.

"Thanks..."

"I'm sorry," Paris whispered while passing beside me to leave the room with the others.

I walked slowly toward Janeway and sat in Tuvok's empty seat.

"Are you okay?" I asked softly taking her hands in mine. 

"I guess..."

"It's better than expected," I tried to reassure her, "don't you think? You'll be so busy that these five weeks will pass quickly, I'm sure..."

"I'm not, but we have no choice. Were you serious when you said that if you hear something about Away Team in trouble you'd go after it?"

"After checking the exactitude of the trouble, yes I would. Why?"

"I don't want it. There are competent officers who will handle that."

"Like they did on Taros?" I questioned bitterly.

"Don't be sarcastic," she countered dryly, "you know what I mean. I'll interfere with Tuvok to make sure that if they send a rescue team after me, you'll be part of it, but I do not want you to run around alone. Is that clear, Ensign?"

"Aye Captain," I answered, surprised by her official tone.

" Good"... Pat," she sighed, "I'm already missing you..."

"And it hasn't started yet..."

"We'd better make it begin while I'm still capable of it."

"Yeah..."

My throat blocked by a huge lump of emotions, I felt like being on a pier when the ship is about to sail away with half of my soul on board.  We looked sadly at one another before leaning over in a last passionate kiss, filled with all the love and sadness this separation was amplifying.  When we moved apart slightly, we both were our of breath and our hearts were working overtime, beating faster than warp speed.

"Now," I whispered forcing myself away from her, "you have to promise me that you're gonna take care of yourself during those few weeks..."

"I will. You do the same, though!"

"Promise! I... I better go... I love you, Kate."

"I love you too... See you around, Ensign," she concluded with a sad wink.

"Yes Ma'am!..."

I left to go to my job in engineering, leaving my heart and soul alone in the room behind me, sitting silently in the empty space. The long wait had started.

*** *** ***

(Note: the next events are referring to the episode called "Resistance" and was written without intent of violating any copyright. Also you'll see some difference with the ep in question, obviously... *grin*)

The next three weeks went by in a relatively depressing routine, but also rather quickly, both for Janeway and I.  The captain was often visiting Lieutenant Torres in engineering under multiple pretexts and I think everybody knew it was only an excuse to come by and say hello to me. She wasn't officially breaking the rule, but she was certainly bending them as far as possible. No one would have had the heart of stopping her anyway.  During that period, there had been a few away mission, but all went without incident and I had no reason to react 'badly'.

It was during the fourth week that Janeway and her team ran into some difficulties with the Mokras. We had to stop on their planet as we were in serious need of Dilithium crystal. Neelix had arranged the purchase with some underground connection of his, but it turned bad when Janeway, Torres and Tuvok got intercepted by the Mokra soldiers. We mostly ignored what had happened, but our informers told us that they had been taken prisoners, all but Janeway who had disappeared without a trace. Chakotay was in charge aboard Voyager and had lotsa problems to localize Tuvok and Torres. An unexpected failure of the jail's security force field had allowed him to beam a rescue team including Neelix, Paris and myself.

When we arrived on the spot, we discovered our full team, Janeway was on her knees beside an old man badly wounded, Tuvok and Torres showing obvious signs of torture, watching her silently. The captain had some bandage on her neck, but other than that, she didn't seem injured. Seeing Kathryn whispering to this old man, I instinctively understood that he had touched her heart deeply and she was helping his soul to walk in the afterlife. When he stopped breathing, Janeway remained in the same position and I guessed that she was crying. I walked quietly toward her and let my hands gently hold her shoulders.

"Captain," I whispered with emotion.

"I'm coming," she answered faintly.

She didn't move for a few minutes longer then slowly she stood up without saying a word. One member of the resistance told her that everything would be done to honor the man's memory and that seemed to ease her pain a little. With only her look, she ordered Paris to have Voyager beam us all and a few seconds later, we were all back on board. Janeway somberly confirmed to Chakotay that we were all back safely and that he could leave orbit immediately. She went to sick bay to have her neck wound treated and then walked straight to her ready room where she locked herself up alone. Tuvok and Torres were forced to remain in sick bay longer as their injuries were more threatening.  Although I had walked with her toward sick bay, Janeway didn't say a word to me, not more than to anyone else as a matter of fact.

Six hours later, I bumped into Harry Kim who just came back from giving a report to the captain. Harry seemed rather shocked and worried.

"What's up, Harry?"

"I just saw the captain and she doesn't look good."

"What do you mean?" I worried.

"She wasn't listening, she looked very sad, very lonely. But when I asked her if she was okay, she said yes with a pale smile... It wasn't the captain I know that I just saw... It makes me sad but I can't do anything...

"I'm concerned too. Is Chakotay still on the bridge?"

"I think so."

"Thanks Harry," I told him before running toward the bridge to see Chakotay.

"What is it, Ensign?" he questioned dryly.

"I have a favor to ask, Sir. I'd like to have a twenty-four hours suspension of punishment to be able to comfort the captain. She's hurt by the death of the man and I wish to help her to get over it."

"Don't you think you give yourself too much credit for the captain's health? I'm sure she'll be able to handle that herself."

"Perhaps... But maybe I can assist her... I just want the authorization to go see her. Then, if she doesn't need me, I'll go back where I belong... Please..."

"I saw her a few minutes ago and I didn't like to see her that way," he explained pensively, "so you may have the time you need with her."

"Thank you, Commander."

"I hope you're right and that you can help her. I know I can't..."

"I'm hoping too..."

I left the bridge and tapped my communicator.

"Pat to Janeway."

"Go ahead," she answered, her voice betraying her sadness.

"I got the authorization from Chakotay to see you. May I come?"

"Pat, that's nice of you, but I wanna be alone right now."

"Don't you wanna talk about it?"

"No."

"As you wish," I sighed.

I understood her reaction but in the same time I couldn't accept it. She had spent the whole day alone in her office and I knew she didn't even bother to eat anything. I went to see Neelix and asked for some take-out food to bring to the captain. A few minutes later, I was knocking at her door without getting any answer. I knocked again.

"What is it?" she roared.

"Room service," I teased trying to lighten her mood, "dinner for two."

"I don't want anything Pat," she answered after having open the door nevertheless.

"I know you don't but you have to eat," I insisted.

"As I know that you won't give up, come in," she gave up with deep sigh.

She went back to her desk where she let herself drop in her executive chair. I immediately noticed the little silver chain that lay on her desk. I joined her and let the tray beside us.

"Did he give it to you?" I questioned softly, trying to find an opening.

"Yeah..."

She didn't add anything, her blue eyes fixed on the small object. I forced her gently to stand up and sit on the sofa with me. She followed without much resistance, not having the energy or the will to send me away, not knowing herself if she needed more solitude or comfort. I passed my arm around her shoulder and pulled her gently against me, waiting silently until she found the strength and will to express her feelings. To emphasize my loving support, I took her hand with mine and our fingers intertwined automatically. She sighed and let her head lean on my shoulder and we remained like that for a long time in an absolute silence. Finally, she felt like telling me but the words were hard to find.

"Caylem thought I was his daughter," she finally croaked, her voice hoarse with emotions. "But she'd been killed years ago... His wife too..."

"By the Mokras?"

"Yeah... The pain in his heart was so big that he couldn't bear it... He wanted to believe that they were still alive... He was a brave man..."

"I understand that he saved your life?"

"Yes he did... I've been shot and I was unconscious. I don't know how this little man managed to bring me in his home, but he did... He took care of me, transferring his love for his daughter on me... Believing I was her..."

She was whispering her story, stopping frequently to think about it deeper. Silently, I was listening, getting more aware of what he brought her.

"When I woke up," she continued, "he was so nice that at first I got scared... I didn't know what he wanted... He was a bit insane... But as time went on, I realized what that poor man was feeling, what he had been through over the last years..."

"That must be terrible to loose both his wife and his daughter..."

"Caylem was devastated... He also felt guilty because they were active members of the resistance and he wasn't... But what he did for me, or when he played the fool to save a resistant in the market, that was true heroism... He wasn't the coward people thought he was... And he died as a hero... I wish I could have prevented his death..."

I felt a tear falling on the back on my hand and I tightened my embrace.

"Before he passed away, I lied to him so he'd die in peace... He died believing that I really was his daughter and that we did free his wife... and that she had forgiven him... That's all I could do... so little..."

I let her cry without saying anything, simply holding her tight against my heart. I was desperate to see her like this, but I had to be the strong one to let her emotions out of her heart and soul.  Many long minutes went by silently.

"He took care of me," she restarted, sniffing as I gave her a tissue, "with so much love... He cared for me as much as you do," she concluded, backing away slightly to lock her watery eyes onto mines.

"Except that you can't be my daughter, you're already my sister," I teased in the vain hope to make her smile again.

"Yeah," she chuckled between two sobs. "Pat... I'm glad that you insisted to see me... It feels good to have you here."

"That's what friends are for... Keeping so much emotions inside ain't good..."

"How did you decide Chakotay to let you come?" she asked regaining her position tightly against me.

"You've been the shadow of yourself all day... He saw you and he felt sorry to be unable to help you. He thought that I could so he agreed when I requested permission to see you..."

"That was kind of him..."

"Yeah... Kim also was worry to see you so sad... There is on board more people than you imagine who care a lot for you..."

"I care for them too... How's Tuvok?"

"Better but he's still in sick bay."

"And B'Elanna?"

"She's fine."

"I should go to see them..."

"Tomorrow, sweetheart. Right now, you have to take care of yourself. You should eat something..."

"Later. How long did Chakotay give you?"

"As long as we need... But I'm on duty tomorrow at ten hundred."

"Can you stay with me tonight?"

"I was hoping that you'd ask..."

"I'm so lucky to have you... you're so sweet..."

"Well, we're both lucky then," I countered embarrassed by the compliment. "I don't know what my life would be without you..."

"Neither do I..."

The evening was spent like that, softly. I was finally able to make her eat a little and I proposed her massotherapy session to relax her muscles and help her sleep. She accepted without hesitation and I spent more than half an hour massaging her beautiful body that I had missed so much in the last weeks. Magnificent and vulnerable, she felt asleep under the soothing effect of my hands on her skin and soul. I lied myself beside her on the large bed, my arm around her shoulder, and she reflexively snuggled closer while I remained pensive and awake. Kate spent an agitated night, her sleep filled with nightmares. She moaned, cried, even screamed once and I did my best to soothe her back to sleep. I didn't sleep much that night, but I knew that Kate was getting the rest her body and mind desperately needed and that was all that mattered to me.

********

Although she didn't say anything, I knew immediately when she woke up that she was feeling better. We had breakfast together before I left her to go work in engineering. As I was about to leave her quarters, she reached for me and passed her arms around my waist, pulling me closer.

"I don't know how to thank you for what you did last night," she whispered locking her blue eyes into mines.

"Hey, if you can't count on your sister..." I teased gently, caressing her face tenderly.

She smiled but didn't add anything. She tightened the embrace and her lips landed softly on mine in a grateful kiss. I placed my hand on the back of her head and answered to her kiss with passion until our need to breathe made us pull back.

"I love you Kate," I murmured before conquering her mouth again.

Finally, I regretfully stepped back, my knees weak and my heart running overtime.

"I've gotta go," I croaked.

"When do I see you again?"

"I... I don't know... It depends on Chakotay..."

"Hopefully, we'll be together tonight... I'll talk to him."

"Hopefully... Now, take care of yourself, sweetheart."

" Promise! Hey," she called me back as I was about to pass the threshold, "you're the best sister I ever had!"

I winked back to her and left her quarters still smiling. I won't repeat that to your sister Phoebe, I thought.

**********

It was almost 3pm when I was summoned in the captain's office without any explanation. When I entered the room and saw Janeway with Chakotay, I immediately knew the reason.

"Have a seat, Ensign," Chakotay declared.

"Thank you, Sir," I answered, sitting in front of them.

"Mr. Tuvok and I talked about you and we've decided to relieve you from the sentence which doesn't allow you to see the captain. We've realized that the captain and you are complementary to each other and for that reason, we're relieving you from that one."

"Thank you," I sighed looking tenderly at Kathryn.

"We don't like to see our captain like yesterday," he said softly to her attention.

"Mr. Chakotay, we deeply appreciate what you're doing," she told him, smiling back widely.

"I personally regret that we had chosen that in the first place. It was punishing you as well and you were right: that wasn't fair. I'm sorry..."

"You did, with Tuvok and Paris, what you thought was best for an example to the crew," she explained gently. "You don't have to regret anything..."

"Well... I do! But I'm glad it's now over," he concluded, raising from his chair. "I'll leave you two together."

"Thanks a lot, Commander," I said as he was leaving.

"Do me a favor, Ensign," he added with a grin. "Behave yourself so we don't have to take those kinds of action in the future..."

"I'll try," I promised with a similar smile.

Once he had left the room, Janeway and I remained in our seats silently for a moment.

"Good work, Captain..."

"I didn't do anything. It's Chakotay who came to me an hour ago to talk about it..."

"Maybe he realized something he hadn't seen before... I'm glad he did."

"You're on duty until five?" she asked, looking preoccupied. 

"Yes."

"Would you like to join me in my quarters afterward? We need to talk..."

"About what?"

"About us. Will you be there?"

"Of course I will, but can't you tell me what's bothering you?"

"It's too long right now. When you'll be off duty..."

"Aye Captain," I concluded sadly, rising up to join my duties. "See you later..."

"Bye now."

**********

I spent the next ninety minutes asking myself questions without finding any answers. We were finally free to see one another and instead of being happy about it, Janeway was... distant. There was something I was missing, that was involving me, and I wasn't sure it was anything good.  When I buzzed at her door, I had imagined so many scenarios of what the conversation would be that I was beyond worries about what was about to happen.

"I just lived the longest hour of my life," I told her once she let me in.

She was sitting behind her little desk in the living room and I instantly noticed Mark's pictures in front of her.

"Please have a seat," she offered.

"Is this an official matter?" I inquired.

"No..."

"So why are you so... formal?"

"Because what I have to say isn't easy..."

"Well, you better start because I'm rather nervous!"

"All right," she sighed. "Pat, I don't think we should keep seeing each other anymore," she dropped bluntly.

"Why not?" I managed despite the lack of air in my lungs and the stillness of my heart.

"It jeopardizes my authority and put other officers in trouble."

"You're talking about Chakotay and Tuvok? I'm sure they can handle it."

"Maybe but I don't want to put them in an other embarrassing situation."

"And who questioned your authority?"

"Nobody yet, but I can't take the risk..."

"So you bring Mark back on your desk and you dismiss me. Easy way out."

"It's far from easy," she snapped.

"How about us, our feelings for each other? You can't deny them, can you?" I asked, sad but not angry.

"Of course not, that's why it's so hard for me to break up," she answered with a flickering voice.

"Something I don't understand: why do you take that decision at the end of the punishment instead of the beginning?"

"Because at that point, I thought we could work it out."

"What changed your mind?"

"I don't know exactly... Maybe Chakotay's embarrassment..."

"But he was embarrassed by the fact that he separated us, not because we go out together," I underlined.

"Anyhow, he was uncomfortable. So were Tuvok and Paris."

"When did you take the decision to break up?"

"This afternoon, after talking to Chakotay..."

A short silence followed while I was searching for some arguments in our favor.

"Are you all right?" she worried.

"No I'm not," I answered truthfully. "I can understand your point of view, although not entirely, but I don't understand how you can put aside so easily what's between us..."

"It's not easy at all," she croaked.

"Tell me: how am I supposed to react? I can't forget what happened on Aldaz, or the way we left each other this morning... I can't let you throw our happiness away like that, but on the other hand I can't fight you... I can fight the whole Delta Quadrant for you, but can't fight with you..."

"I don't wanna fight..."

"You explained your reasons toward the crew, but you didn't say anything about your feelings... What are they, Kathryn?"

"My duty as captain has to be ahead of personal feelings."

" Do you love me, Kate?" I insisted softly.

"You know I do," she admitted with a deep sigh. "More than I should."

"Let me tell you something before I go," I started calmly. "In the name of duty, you're going to sacrifice yourself again... and you sacrifice me with you this time. Fine, I cannot fight that. But I'm not sure the crew will benefit from an unhappy and lonely captain... From what I saw yesterday, they won't, but you're stubborn and I know that every argument I could say will not change your mind about it."

"You.. You're accepting my decision?"

"Do I have any choice here?" I asked more sarcastically than I expected. "I deeply regret it, but I have to accept it."

I stood up and faced her privately a last time.

"Kate... I love you and I always will, remember that. If you change your mind, make sure to come and tell me!"

"Pat," she called me back, "..take care!"

"Yeah... you too, Captain."

The door closed automatically behind me, crushing my hopes of happiness in the same move. I was desperate but I avoided crying until I reached my quarters.  Although I knew that Kate was probably feeling the same distress in her own quarters, there was nothing to lessen my pain.

*** *** ***

Over the following weeks, I made sure to keep myself highly busy. I was working double shifts in engineering and assumed a very detailed maintenance of all propulsive components. Never Voyager had been in such a great shape, unless maybe when she left the Utopia Planetia Fleetyard on her first flight.  Contrary to the weeks before, Janeway neatly avoided to meet with Lieutenant Torres in engineering and I almost didn't have any contact with the captain since our final conversation.

That day, one month had slipped by us since the breakup, Janeway had no choice to go in engineering to check with B'Elanna on some unexpected damage to the Warp Core. From the moment she passed the door, an almost touchable tension rose between us. Although she was intently listening to B'Elanna's explanations, her eyes never left mine and that intense visual contact made me shiver from head to toe. How could she have rejected a feeling as strong as this?  I forced myself to concentrate on my console, but each time I looked up, my eyes met her inquisitive look... Finally, unable to stand anymore of this, I left to hide in the restroom. I splashed my face with cool water and tried vainly to calm my running heartbeats.  When I came back to my station, Janeway was gone and I was as relieved as I was disappointed.

Another week went by slowly during which my brain kept being stuck on that intense and brief eye-contact between the captain and I. When I heard that she had to come see Torres again, I decided to avoid another painful encounter and I retreated in the restroom before she arrived. I was leaning on the sink, waiting for a sign from my colleague after her departure, when Janeway abruptly entered my hiding post. As stunned as me, she stopped dead on her track, looking at me without saying a word. I was hypnotized by her deep blue eyes, unable to move, hardly able to breathe, my heart beating so fast and so hard I would have bet that she was hearing it too. She looked at me, weighing the pros and cons of such a private and unexpected encounter. I could almost see the wheels in her brain clicking until she reached a decision. Then there was a new sparkle in her eyes, a feral grin appeared on her lips and my heart skipped a few beats.

Slowly, silently, like a cat reaching for its prey, she moved forward without unlocking the eye-contact. Instinctively, I moved backward but she continued, forcing me to enter one of the toilet cabin in which she entered too. Without looking at it, she closed the door behind her, locking us inside. My back against the wall, I couldn't escape if I had wanted to. But I didn't want to escape. She was inches away from me, I could feel the heat of her body touching my skin, her panting breath mixing with mine, both hearts beating at the same erratic rhythm. She wasn't moving, I was totally immobile. The only sounds in the room were our breathing and heartbeats. She was searching in my eyes the answer to her silent question. She raised a questioning brow and I gave the hint of a smile. That's all it took to enflame the burning passion between us. Her mouth took possession of mine while our bodies collapsed against one another, arms pulling closer as if trying to melt into one single being. All our feelings so long held back were expressed physically, moans escaping through our lips crushing on each others, tongues intertwining together, hands searching skin despite our uniforms, breaths shorts and hearts beating twice their normal speed. No matter where we were, there was just two souls in love meeting again after a too long separation. Never yet had we exchange such an intensely passionate kiss, never yet had we lived such a beautiful moment. The happiness that we felt at that instant was so strong that we both were unable to refrain our tears which gave a salty taste to our kisses.

"I'm so sorry," she whispered still panting. "I was so wrong..."

"Shhtt, don't say anything," I objected, taking her lips again tenderly.

We remained there kissing for some long minutes until we were satisfied and got the strength to move back a little. With the back of my hand, I wiped tenderly her wet cheeks and smiled lovingly, my eyes reflecting what my heart and soul were feeling.

"I love you so much, Kathryn," I murmured, my hand still caressing her cheek.

"I love you too... Can you ever forgive me?"

"Yes I can," came the simple and honest response.

"Are you joining me tonight?"

"Are you sure you're not gonna change your mind again?"

"Positive. We'll talk about it, I have so much to apologize for..."

"No you don't, but we'll discuss that off duty. I should be back on engineering already..."

"And B'Elanna is still waiting for me!"

"I suggest that we don't leave from here together..."

"Good idea, you go first. See you tonight..."

"I can't wait!

We kissed a last time and I exited our hiding place, taking time to refresh my burning face with some cool water before going back to my console.

"The captain hasn't come yet," my colleague secretly told me.

"That's all right, I'll manage," I answered, smiling inwardly. "Thanks anyway..."

A few minutes later, Janeway was making a formal entry and avoided looking in my direction, concentrating her attention to Torres' explanations.  However, to leave the room, she had to pass near my station and she couldn't refrain a not-so-discreet wink at me on her way and I smiled at the thought of everything getting back to normal. But so much time wasted...

*** *** ***

It's not without a few apprehensions that I buzzed on Janeway's door at the end of the day, but when I saw her radiant smile as soon as I entered the room, I felt totally at ease. She joined me and we shared a deep passionate kiss before walking toward the sofa where we sat side by side, holding one another to amplify our connection.

"Pat," she started with sadness in her voice, "I don't know how to tell you how much I'm sorry... Taking us apart was terribly wrong."

"You did what you thought was right in front of the crew... Your position is a very uncomfortable one, I understand that..."

"But you were right when you said that the crew wouldn't benefit from a sad and lonely captain..."

"I'm sorry I was. It would have been easier for you if I weren't. As time passed, I was hoping that you had gotten over it..."

"Have you?" she asked anxiously.

"Of course not, but I'm only dealing with my personal feelings, not the ones of the entire ship!"

"Which doesn't mean that your pain is any less than mine," she underlined rightfully.

"No, it doesn't," I agreed pensively.

"I'm sorry," she breathed, leaning closer against me.

"The important point is that we're together again, isn't it?"

"Will you ever forgive me?"

"You have nothing to be forgiven for, sweetheart," I countered softly. "It's a matter of priority. Ship and crew should be above everything else for the captain, you were right on that part. But it doesn't mean that you have to suffer for that..."

"And make you suffer," she added.

"Right," I reluctantly agreed.

"No! Come on, I know you suffered too," she insisted strongly. "You keep talking about my feelings and exclude yours..."

"Because to me, you're the only one important between the two of us. If I'd heard that you were happy without me, I'd have accepted it... Unfortunately, it hasn't been the case. I haven't seen you for six weeks, but what I heard wasn't encouraging."

"I was so coward that I avoided the engineering and the mess when I knew I could find you there..."

"I don't see it as cowardliness, but as an attempt in being strong... I did the same thing myself..."

"You always find me excuses," she realized.

"I love you," I said to justify myself. "Tell me something, did you plan to find me in the lavatory this afternoon?"

"I wish I could say yes, it would look good, but... no, I was as surprised as you were."

"Your surprise lasted less than mine," I teased playfully.

"I couldn't bear another day without you and I was given a chance to have you back, I had to take it!"

"So you did... Quite impressively, I must say!..."

"Really? All I recall is how scared I was not knowing how you would react and how glad I was when you accepted me... Then... I had to struggle to stay in control considering the place we were in..."

"Fortunately, no one came in! That wouldn't have been too good for your authority..."

"At that point, all I wanted was you," she croaked. "And way more than just a kiss... Still do!"

2I want you too, sweetheart," I concluded, my lips stealing a kiss from hers.

"Bedroom.. now!" she panted as she pulled back to raise and walk toward the room.

Janeway interrupted all intra-ship communications with the exception of extreme urgency calls so nothing would interfere with our get-together and in less time needed to write it, we both were naked, lying side by side on her bed.

"You're even more beautiful than I remember," I murmured, admiring her perfectly slim body.

"And I'm all yours," she answered sensually before leaning over to take my lips in a promising kiss.

*** *** ***

"Do you know what amaze me the most in you?" I whispered about an hour later, once our well satiated bodies were lying peacefully side by side.

"Nope..."

"It's that you can be extremely strong as a captain and yet very vulnerable as a woman..."

"That isn't true. I'm not strong at all but I have to pretend I am... A woman my age should be stronger, or should I say more responsible regarding her feelings."

"I disagree. First your age has nothing to do with it. Second, you're a human being with all the strength and weakness that goes with it."

"When we're together, I'm not quite acting like a forty-odd woman but more like a teenager."

"So what? I love it. I'm glad that you let go your rank and your forty-odd condition just to be yourself! Aren't you?"

"Yes, but sometimes it scares me a little... I'm not used to be irrational."

"Loosen up, honey..."

"I have to confess that I never had such experience before. Even with Mark, I always stayed in control."

"Mentally?"

"Both mentally and physically. I never lost it the way I'm loosing it with you and that scares me a bit."

"But you're in control," I underlined seriously, "you're the one who lead us while we..."

"No, I'm leading because I'm not controlling myself," she interrupted. "Some sort of animal instinct is taking over my common sense."

"Do you regret it?"

"No! Not at all," she said quickly, "But when I think about it, it's a little... disturbing. Like I said, I'm not used to it."

"I hope you will get used to it..."

"Pat," she murmured, moving closer in the embrace to emphasize her words, "I don't want you to even think that I regret what we're living together because it's not true. I enjoy every single nanosecond we're together. And we both know how much I need those moments..."

"I need them too! What I don't understand is why you are so scared of loosening up..."

"I'm not sure... Deep down inside, I know I'm letting go myself that much because I'm certain you're not going to abuse of it and betray me... Not only I love you, but I trust you like I never did before, not even with Mark..."

"Maybe it was about time that you allow yourself to relax and accept to let someone take care of you..."

"Perhaps... but sometimes a little voice inside my head is asking me if I'm not making a huge mistake by showing you my weakness. Even though I'm very happy with you and convinced that I'm taking the right decision, I still have that unconscious fear that I might be wrong..."

"Well," I spoke steadily, forcing her to look in my eyes, "you should tell your little voice that you have nothing to fear from me because I'll never betray you. I will never use our wonderful lost of control against you. Never!"

"I deeply wanna believe that," she assured me before retaking her comforting position against me. "After six weeks without you, I had a lot of time to realize how much I need you... how much I love you... no matter what the consequences might be."

"I love you too, sweetheart, and I appreciate your confidence in me. You won't regret it, I promise," I concluded, settling my lips on top of hers in a tender kiss that was answered eagerly.

Torn between her doubts and the strength of our love, Kathryn Janeway took the decision to gave us a chance to share the happiness of being together. I knew that nothing would ever stop her to wonder about the consequences on her crew, but we were both determined to live that irrepressible passion one day at the time, for as long as it would be possible to do so.

THE END

Sequel in Vacations ...