"WHO'S WHO - Alternate Version"
by John OrleanskiAuthor's note: All right reserved. This story is provided for the entertainment and sole enjoyment of visitors to this site, and is not for profit. No copying or reposting of this material for dissemination is permitted or authorized. The Avengers © 1961-1969 CANAL+ IMAGE UK Ltd and © 2000 STUDIOCANAL. All characters herein, except for those wholly invented by J. Orleanski, are the property of the respective copyright holders.
Steed really gets into Emma
Emma gets a hold on SteedEmma Peel looked into the mirror on her dressing table for the umpteenth time and frowned. She still couldn’t believe it. Not that she could be called a doubting Thomas, but Emma wanted to have at least a handle on facts before making a judgment about anything in her life. And this situation definitely called for facts, solid, reliable facts, before coming to any sort of conclusion.
For in Emma’s dressing table mirror, she saw not Mrs. Emma Knight Peel, but John Steed, Esq. Yes, as she touched her hand to what she thought was her face, and saw in the mirror the hand on the body of John Steed rise up to touch his face, it definitely called for the facts. Emma leaned forward and stared into the eyes of the face in the mirror. They were definitely Steed’s grey eyes, but it was Emma looking out of them at what her mind, her psyche, her soul, her very being had been transferred into.
She shook her head once more, and the reflection in the mirror who was Steed did the same. I still cannot believe it she thought to herself. I, Emma Peel, am in Steed’s body. Steed’s body! Rising from the vanity stool, she paced her bedroom and flat. She folded her hands across her chest, and couldn’t help but look down. There were Steed’s hands folded across what should have been herself, but it was, of course, Steed’s chest.
And what a confusion the first time she had to use the bathroom! Thinking back to when she had accidentally caught her long deceased brother as a child, relieving himself behind that tree in the far corner of their childhood estate, she didn’t know whether to sit or to stand to get this thing done. The Ministry personnel, all six of them who actually knew what had happened, had assured her, and Steed, that they would fix the …. problem, as they so falteringly put it, and return Emma and Steed to who, or more precisely, what they were.
For as Emma looked into the chevalier mirror in the corner of her living room and saw Steed’s body, she wondered if Steed, inside of Emma’s body, was doing the same thing! Steed, inside my body! He had damn near fainted when told what had happened, and rushed to the nearest mirror, looked into it, and then started to shake almost uncontrollably.
Steed had been lured first to that deserted stilt factory. Then Emma, responding to a call for help from whom she thought to be Steed, was also captured. When she awoke from being knocked unconscious on the head, doctors and nurses immediately surrounded her, restraining her feet and arms and her head. Then the chief of staff of The Ministry’s secret hospital broke the bad news to her. Emma, thinking it was a joke, played along with it, allowing them to release her from the restraints. She sat up, and raised a hand in front of her face.
She wiggled her fingers, and saw Steed’s hand (which she knew very well from their intimate moments together) in front of her, wiggling its fingers. She asked for a mirror, and stared, wide eyed, into it for several minutes. Then a shout and a commotion from the bed on the other side of the screen in the hospital room distracted her, and she saw herself rush to the mirror above the room’s little sink.
But she was still in the bed! Steed(Emma) looked to the chief of staff, and he nodded his head. “That’s Steed,” he said, pointing to the body of Emma, which stood in disbelief before the mirror.
“Heigh-o,” Steed(Emma) said, and she realized now that although she thought with her own voice in her head, when she spoke, and she verified that by holding what she thought was her hand to her throat, Emma heard Steed’s voice in what she thought was her ears.
Steed, in Emma’s body, had now turned to look at her, and found himself looking at himself! “Mrs. Peel?” Emma’s voice queried.
“Yes, Steed. It is I, Emma Peel,” Steed’s masculine timbre replied.
Both Steed(Emma) and Emma(Steed) turned to the chief of staff and made a collective frown.
Flustered beyond belief, he stammered out, “Yes, we’re working on the… eh, situation. Apparently you have had your minds swapped with each other by some foreign power. We have the machine, or what’s left of it (at this point Steed(Emma) sharply turned his(her) head to face the doctor), and we’re desperately trying to understand how it works, and fix it so that we can… er, solve your problem.”
“Our problem?!” both Steed(Emma) and Emma(Steed) chorused.
Satisfied that nervous breakdowns were not going to happen, the doctors and nurses left Emma(Steed) and Steed(Emma) to themselves.
“Well, this is a fine kettle of fish you’ve gotten me into now, Steed… or should I call you ‘Emma’!” Steed(Emma) said, hands on his(her) hips.
“My dear Mrs. Peel, I am just as shocked as you are,” Emma(Steed) replied in her dulcet voice.
Steed(Emma) looked sweetly at Emma(Steed). “I’m sorry, Steed. It is all rather hard to get used to.”
“Used to … !” Emma(Steed) shot back. “I have no intention of remaining like this!”
“Now, Steed,” Steed(Emma) gently replied, “We’ve been in worse situations before.”
“Name one.”
Steed(Emma) put his(her) hand to his(her) chin in an act of reflection, and then realized “Steed, we still seem to retain our persona and memories. It can’t be so bad.”
“How on earth am I going to explain this to the fellows in my polo club?” Emma(Steed) implored.
“I’m sure the ‘boys in the lab’, as you call them, can figure this out and set things aright,” Steed(Emma) glumly replied. “Or it’s going to be a little bit difficult.”
“What do you mean, Mrs. Peel?” Emma(Steed) queried.
“Wait until I, I mean you, get my… I mean your period,” Steed(Emma) chuckled.
Emma(Steed)’s eyes widened in horror.
Steed(Emma) continued to pace the floor of her flat. She and Steed had agreed to stay in their respective flats. It was funny to all who observed their departure from The Ministry hospital. Emma(Steed) headed for his Bentley, and after vaulting the door, and having the skirt she(he) was wearing fly up all around her(him), vowed never to do that again. It took some minor adjustment of the seat to allow her(him) to reach the foot pedals, but once Emma(Steed) had started the old girl, off she(he) roared.
Steed(Emma) meanwhile was attempting to lower him(her)self into the low slung, glacier blue metallic Lotus Elan S3 with the feline movements Emma was usually used to doing. After stuffing his(her) body inside, he(she) had to move the bucket seat some ways back, and he(she) too roared off to her flat in the other direction.
Steed(Emma) glanced once more around her flat, which by now was strewn with about a hundred books from various libraries, many technical and medical journals, and several top secret files from The Ministry, all relating to the mind, the soul, the psyche, transgender behavioral disorders, secret Nazi war time experiments, human biology, psychology and physiology, not to mention Emma’s usual collection of physics and chemistry books, and a dozen thick tomes on electricity, electronics, and electromagnetic fields.
There on the portable laboratory bench she had had brought up from storage in the building’s basement were several pieces of electronic equipment, hand tools for work upon miniature electronic circuits, and the preliminary electrical circuit schematics that The Ministry’s engineers had been able to derive from their careful disassembly and attempted reverse engineering of the mind transference machine. All they knew about the foreign powers who had pulled this horrible joke upon them were that their names were Lola and Basil. The one time Nazi physician, a Dr. Krelmar, who had built the infernal machine, was also no where to be found.
Steed(Emma) sighed once more and picked up another biology book. At least she was prepared for those annoying disturbances that awoke her sleep. Erotic dreams, indeed Emma fumed to herself. On Steed, it looked terrific! On me, Emma thought, and then realized it was still Steed’s body having the reaction. “Heigh-o,” he(she) sighed once again.
The telephone rang, and Steed(Emma) made to answer it, and then decided to screen the call and see who would leave a message upon her answering machine. After a few rings, the device went off-hook, and Emma’s prerecorded message began to play out. When it finished, a cautious voice that was undeniably Emma’s own asked, “Mrs. Peel?”
Steed(Emma) snatched up the handset. “Steed, what is it? Are you all right,” Steed(Emma) nervously enquired.
“I’m afraid you’re not going to like this,” Emma’s mellifluous voice said once more.
“Give it to me, Steed. I hate it when you don’t come to the point. Especially at a time like this.”
“I just heard from the boys at the lab.”
Steed(Emma) braced herself for the worst. “… And…”
“Well, it seems the whole control of the transference process comes down to a little black box that the team has found wired up inside the machine. It’s encapsulated in some type of plastic compound. It’s impervious to X-rays. And they’re afraid to use any mechanical means to attempt to open it, for fear it may be irreparably damaged.”
“Can’t they use some type of stimulus-response method to figure out how it controls the process?”
“Mrs. Peel,” Emma’s voice said, “You’re remarkable. That is exactly what they’re trying to do now.”
Steed(Emma) lapsed into silence, hoping the ‘boys in the lab’ didn’t push the unknown contraption past its limits, blowing out circuits before they could be understood.
“Mrs. Peel…” Emma(Steed) asked once more. “Are you all right?”
“Yes, Steed, but this ‘condition’ of ours is certainly putting a damper upon our social life.”
“That needn’t be true, Mrs. Peel. Suppose you join me for lunch, at your favorite little bistro, the one around the corner from you.”
“Steed, that would be wonderful,” Steed(Emma) replied, brightening. “But do you think it’s safe?”
“Why not? See you there at one!”
Steed(Emma) replaced the receiver and went to the bedroom. She threw open the closet door… and stopped short. She, or rather “he”, didn’t have a thing to wear!
Racing back to the phone and hurriedly dialing Steed’s flat, Steed(Emma) was treated to the same approach she had taken with Steed’s call to her. “Steed…” Steed(Emma) began.
“… You’re needed,” Emma(Steed) finished.
Having talked Steed into bringing the blue gray suit she loved so well on him, as well as various male toiletries, Steed(Emma) met her(him) at the door to her flat. “I hope you’ve gotten used to driving ‘Fido’ like that,” Steed(Emma) teased, gesturing to the short dress Emma(Steed) was wearing.
Giving only a menacing scowl, Emma(Steed) handed over the requested suit and headed for Emma’s bathroom. “Steed,” Steed(Emma) called, “a lady goes first?”
“But I figured that as you, I needed more time to get ‘made up’.”
Looking sharply at Emma(Steed), Steed(Emma) said, “You do have a point there. Well, let’s see what dress goes well with this suit of yours.”
“Dress?” Emma(Steed) replied.
“Of course! You must have gotten used to a dress by now. After all, I couldn’t be caught dead wearing pants at Pierre’s.”
“Please don’t make it a mini-dress, Emma,” Emma(Steed) said.
“And why not? You certainly enjoy it when I wear it. I mean you wear it… Oh, blast, you know what I mean!”
Thrusting the little white mini-dress into Emma(Steed)’s hands, he(she) turned her(him) around and pointed her(him) to the bathroom. “When you’re done, I’ll set my …, I mean your hair.” Steed(Emma) giggled.
A few minutes later, Steed(Emma) heard a plaintive cry from the bathroom. “Mrs. Peel, would you please help me with this bra?”
Steed(Emma) crossed to the bathroom door and knocked. “Oh, this is most embarrassing,” came Emma’s voice from inside.
Humph, Steed(Emma) thought to herself. When the shoe is on the other foot… So now it’s Mrs. Peel, eh?
The lock clicked and the bathroom door opened a few inches.
“Steed, how can you expect me to help when I can hardly reach inside,” Steed(Emma) said.
The door opened slightly wider. Steed(Emma) looked at her back and stopped. My, this was much better than trying to look over your shoulder into a mirror. “Steed, did you know you have a little mole above your left … I mean I have above my left cheek?” Steed(Emma) queried.
Turning a slight shade of red, Emma(Steed) replied, “My dear, I … well, I guess I never said anything before.”
Tsk-tsking, Steed(Emma) unhooked Emma(Steed)’s bra and tossed it unto the counter. “There, I think you can handle anything else.”
After a couple of hours, during which time Steed(Emma) almost cut his(her) neck off with Steed’s straight razor, and Emma(Steed) managed to almost burn spots of Emma’s hair with the dryer, the slightly less than dashing duo headed for the door. Emma(Steed) opened it with a little bow, and, smiling, Steed(Emma) stepped through.
Pierre’s was bustling as usual, but Steed had made reservations. Approaching the maitre-de, Emma(Steed) said “Reservation for Steed, at one.”
Receiving a slightly quizzical glance from Pierre, the couple was lead to a table in the far corner. Steed(Emma), lagging a bit behind, called out, “Steed, you know I like the sidewalk table …”, and then stopped short as several diners looked in his(her) direction. He(she) cleared his(her) throat, and finished, “Mrs. Peel, you know how you like the sidewalk table.”
Pierre, still looking somewhat quizzical, bowed graciously, and led Emma(Steed) and Steed(Emma) back to the outdoor tables. As Steed(Emma) passed Emma(Steed), she(he) whispered into his(her) ear, “I thought a corner table, inside, would have suited this occasion.”
Steed(Emma) ignored her(his) remark and stood by the chair, waiting for Pierre to pull it out for him(her). Pierre shook his head as in disbelief. Instead, Emma(Steed) got up from her(his) chair, and came over to Steed(Emma) and pulled the chair out for him(her). Pierre handed them their menus, and mumbling something about this new day and age, went back to the door of the restaurant.
“Steed,” Steed(Emma) hissed, “You’re supposed to be me. Hadn’t you better act like me, as well as look like me.”
Emma(Steed) snapped her(his) fingers. In a conspiratorial whisper, she(he) replied “I’m sorry, Emma, it’s just that I’m trying to be a gentleman under all circumstances.”
Steed(Emma) sighed. “I know. It’s starting to wear a little thin with me, too.”
The rest of their luncheon passed without incident. Except when they both reached for the cheque. “Don’t worry, Steed,” Steed(Emma) said. “I fully intend to voucher this meal with The Ministry.”
But the wine they had with their excellent meal put them both into a more relaxed mood, and playing their roles to near perfection, that is, a man escorting a woman for a walk, they sauntered down the avenue, heading in the general direction of Emma’s flat.
When they arrived at Emma’s, a blinking light on her telephone answering machine indicated that a message was waiting. Steed(Emma) went over and pressed the playback button on it, while Emma(Steed) poured them both a brandy. Steed(Emma) sat down on her sofa.
“Mrs. Peel,” a woman’s voice on the tape said, “This is your secretary, Dolores, and there is an extremely urgent meeting this afternoon, regarding that government security contract that Knight Industries is bidding on. The Board of Directors requested that you, as Chairman of the corporation, and Chief Architect of the project, attend today. Since I know how much this project means to you, I took the liberty of telling them that you would be here at three o’clock.”
Steed(Emma) sat bolt upright, and almost choked on her brandy! “Damn, I had forgotten all about that meeting today,” he(she) wailed.
“Emma, I’ll do whatever I can to help you,” Emma(Steed) consoled.
“Help me… You had better bloody well be there!”
Emma(Steed) looked at him(her) with disbelief.
“Have you forgotten already?” Steed(Emma) said. “You’re me!”
Steed(Emma) bustled Emma(Steed) into her bedroom once more. “We’ve got only half an hour to get you ready for that project presentation,” Steed(Emma) said.
“Emma, how could I possibly learn everything you know about this bid? Why, I don’t even know the members of your Board of Directors,” Emma(Steed) countered.
“No need. I’ll come along with you. You introduce me as your own consultant on the project. Here, take this, Steed,” Steed(Emma) said, handing Emma(Steed) a folder he(she) had plucked out of her work desk. “It’s got all the profiles of my Board’s members. Just so you can learn what they look like along with their names.”
“Another outfit change?” Emma(Steed) asked plaintively.
“Certainly.” Pointing to the minidress, Steed (Emma) said, “I wouldn’t want to be seen in the Board Room looking like that!”
Emma(Steed) raised her(his) eyes to the heavens.
At exactly three PM sharp, Emma(Steed), attired in a very tailored, conservative business dress, and Steed(Emma), still sporting Steed’s blue grey suit, arrived at the door to the Knight Industries’ Boardroom. Dolores, Emma’s secretary came hurrying over. “Mrs. Peel,” she began, “These are the latest slides and viewgraphs for the presentation.”
Emma(Steed) looked puzzled while Steed(Emma), with a horrified expression, said, “Dolores, how could you? I asked you … I mean Mrs. Peel asked you to have those ready a week ago.”
Dolores looked doubly shocked, turning from Emma(Steed) to Steed(Emma), and back. “I’m terribly sorry, Mrs. Peel. But you’ve been out of the office and I didn’t just want to leave them at your flat. They’re too sensitive, and I was worried…”
Emma(Steed) gave Dolores a consoling look and put her(his) hand upon her shoulder. “It’s all right, Dolores. We’ll talk about it when I get back in.”
Surreptitiously Steed(Emma) gave Emma(Steed) a small kick in the shin along with a dirty look. “Come along, Mrs. Peel. We’ll be late.” Just before entering the Boardroom, Steed(Emma) cast one last glare at Dolores.
Because Emma and Steed had worked together as a team for almost two and a half years, they were able to cover for each other when a technical question was posed to Emma(Steed), who really had no knowledge of Emma’s project and Steed(Emma) came to her(his) rescue. And when the Board members questioned Steed(Emma), the security consultant, Emma(Steed) came back with the answers, pretending to have heard about what future requirements the government might need.
When it was all over, to Emma’s success, since the Board had voted to proceed with the project, one of the Board members took Steed(Emma) to the side. “Mr. Steed, you are very knowledgeable of the technical aspects of this project. If we ever need to replace Mrs. Peel on this deal, can we count on you?”
Steed(Emma) was suddenly seized with a sneezing fit, and as he(she) bent over from the malady, managed to elbow the Board member in the ribs. “Terribly sorry about that,” Steed(Emma) said, a hint of insincerity in his(her) voice. The fellow walked away, rubbing his side. Emma(Steed) came over.
“Is everything all right?” Emma(Steed) queried, noting the annoyance still on Steed(Emma)’s face.
“Remind me about him when this is all over,” he(she) said.
“Never mind that now, ‘Steed’,” Emma(Steed) murmured, “I think this calls for a celebration.”
“Indubitably. At ‘my’ place,” Steed(Emma) returned, his(her) features lightening.
Once safely ensconced at Steed’s flat, Steed(Emma) proceeded to seek out and light up one of Steed’s fine Cuban cigars, while Emma(Steed) went to the refrigerator and produced a bottle of the best bubbly available. After pouring two brimming champagne glasses full, Emma(Steed) retired to his sofa, and demurely crossed her(his) legs at the knees, as Steed(Emma) stood by the electric fireplace, puffing away on the cigar.
They both smiled at each other.
And then they both practically jumped out of their collective skins.
“Steed,” Steed(Emma) said, a look of absolute terror in his(her) eyes. “Do you realize what’s just happened!”
“Egads, Emma,” Emma(Steed) replied, “We’re actually starting to do what the other of us normally does. What does this mean?”
“It means that ‘the boys at the lab’ had better have that machine ready now!”
At that precise moment the telephone started to ring. Steed(Emma) crossed over to it. “Steed here,” he(she) growled. “No doctor, it’s really Emma. Just a moment,” he(she) offered, handing the receiver to Emma(Steed).
“Yes, doctor. Tomorrow at nine? Can’t you make it any later, say around eleven. That’s closer to my usual…” Then, after a cautious glare from Steed(Emma), she(he) said, “No, nine o’clock is fine. All right. Yes, I see.” Then she(he) hung up the phone. “They wanted to try this thing with a couple of test subjects before they let us have it,” she(he) said, looking at Steed(Emma). “Other than that, they think it’s ready.”
“You don’t sound very confident,” Steed(Emma) offered.
“The test subjects are Lola and Basil. They’ve found them. I’m only relaying the concern the doctor had. Emma, what are we going to do if this thing doesn’t work? We’re already starting to act like each other, as well as… well, we already look like each other.”
“We are each other, Steed,” Steed(Emma) gloomily drawled. “I have a few ideas along these lines but let’s see what happens tomorrow. I’m exhausted right now. I’ll see you tomorrow,” he(she) said as he(she) headed for the door to Steed’s flat, picking up his jacket along the way. He(she) turned back, stopping in the open doorway. “Goodnight, Steed. Whatever happens, we’re in it together.” A hint of Emma’s familiar smile played around Steed(Emma)’s lips.
“Goodnight, Emma.” Emma(Steed) returned with a wistful smile.
The next day, after Emma(Steed) appeared at Emma’s flat one more time to put on another outfit that Steed(Emma) had chosen and have her(his) hair done, the dashing duo dutifully presented themselves at The Ministry’s hospital. Sitting in the chairs of the dreaded mind transference machine, Emma(Steed) and Steed(Emma) had just enough time to cast one last glance at each other before the visors were lowered over their heads.
“Prepare to start counting,” the doctor said. Technicians flipped switches on the rack of auxiliary equipment The Ministry had cobbled together and cabled into the back of the transfer machine. “Now…”
Both Emma(Steed) and Steed(Emma) closed their eyes are counted upwards, in near simultaneous cadence, so attuned to the other each was. “Standby,” the physician shouted, flipping more switches and turning dials on the front of the machine.
Suddenly Steed(Emma), who had been slouching a little on the chair, sat bolt upright and started yelling. “There’s something wrong. I feel a tingling shock in my hands and chest! Stop the machine!”
The doctor flipped more switches in a panic, and glanced back and forth between Emma(Steed) and Steed(Emma). “Steed!” Steed(Emma) shouted, shaking her head clear of the visor. “Steed!”
In the other chair, Emma(Steed) was visibly shaking, her(his) eyes rolled upwards. Steed(Emma) leaned forward enough to see this, and started straining at the hand restraints. “Turn this thing off! Get Steed out of there!”
Tearing his(her) arms free, Steed(Emma) pushed the doctor aside and ran to Emma(Steed). She just about touched her(him) when electrical sparks jumped to his(her) hands from Emma(Steed)’s body. “It’s short circuited! Cut off the power! He’ll be electrocuted!”
The Ministry technicians tried flipping levers and pulling switches, but Emma(Steed) continued to shake. Steed(Emma) ran around to the back of the machine, and using the brute force of his(her) male body, ripped the thick cables out connecting the two pieces of machinery. Sparks danced around the open ends.
Steed(Emma) ran back around to the front and dragged Emma(Steed)’s motionless body from the chair. “GET A RESUSCITATOR, NOW!” Steed(Emma) screamed. Without a moment’s hesitation, Steed(Emma) bent over Emma(Steed)’s form and pressed his(her) lips against Emma(Steed)’s open mouth. Filling her(his) lungs with as much air as he(she) could, Steed(Emma) brought him(her)self upright and putting both hands together, started to press them rhythmically against Emma(Steed)’s chest. “One, two, three…” he(she) counted, then “Breathe,” and pressed his(her) mouth once more against Emma(Steed)’s.
Steed(Emma) had repeated this operation over and over dozens of times until the doctor returned with a crew of nurses and technicians and a hospital trolley. They placed the resuscitator over Emma(Steed)’s face and continued to squeeze it as another pressed her(his) chest. They lifted Emma(Steed) unto the trolley and wheeled her(him) away to the Casualty.
“I thought you said you were going to test this thing on Lola and Basil, the test subjects!” Steed(Emma) fairly screamed at them.
“Mrs. Peel, it seemed to work fine,” the technician stammered, cowering under Steed(Emma)’s fierce stare. “They seemed to switch bodies, and then we switched them back.” All the other people present nodded their heads in agreement.
The doctor returned at this moment and announced that Steed was fine. He was sitting up and asking for Mrs. Peel. Steed(Emma)’s glare started to fade. “Take me to him, doctor.”
Left alone with Emma(Steed) in the room, Steed(Emma) held her(his) hand and sat down in the chair next to the hospital bed. “I’m so relieved you’re going to be all right, Steed,” he(she) said.
“Thanks to you, Mrs. Peel,” Emma(Steed) returned. “Where ever did you learn that?”
“Must have been Girl Guides,” Steed(Emma) shrugged.
They looked down at their clasped hands. And then both looked up at each other a little sheepishly. Steed(Emma) spoke first. “It feels a little funny to be touching myself this way, Steed, but I know I’m really touching you.”
“I’ve been meaning to talk to you about this,” Emma(Steed) said, raising their joined hands. “I have been almost afraid to touch you too, Emma. But as you said, it’s really each other that we’re reaching out to.” She(he) raised their joined hands to her(his) lips and kissed Steed(Emma)’s hand.
Steed(Emma) gave her(him) that genuinely open honest smile of hers.
The next day, after Emma(Steed) had been checked out of hospital, they were holed up in Emma’s flat, pouring over more books and journals. “Steed,” Steed(Emma) began, “There are as many theories about the mind and soul as there are people in the world. I don’t think any of this,” he(she) added, gesturing about the room, “is going to help. I think we have to go with our basic instinct.”
“What is it you find instinctive, Mrs. Peel?” Emma(Steed) asked.
“Well, the medical journals have written that there have been cases where a person was nearly struck by lightning. Close enough to have suffered the exposure to the intense high voltage and high current fields, but not subject to a direct hit. Those unfortunates never lived to tell about it. But those who have suffered these near misses have told of out of body experiences. Of being somewhere else and observing things happening in other places at the time they were almost struck by the lightning. And these cases have been confirmed.”
Emma(Steed) looked doubtful. “Merely coincidences? Lucky guesses?”
“Ordinarily, I would agree. But the more I dig deeper into these cases, the more I believe there is some truth to the recorded accounts of these subjects,” Steed(Emma) said, putting his(her) hand under his(her) chin in a pensive gesture. “But it cannot be denied. There is something else happening here. Something unknown by the mainstream of Science. Not paranormal, but severely lacking more detailed, carefully documented and controlled research.” He(she) grimaced. “Definitely worth looking into, but we just don’t have the time. So, here’s where my instinct comes in.”
Emma(Steed) settled down upon Emma’s sofa, giving Steed(Emma) her(his) full attention.
“Suppose we subject ourselves to an intense electrostatic and electromagnetic field. Similar to these people who have survived these near lightning strikes. Of course, we would protect ourselves from the direct effects of so much electricity, but allow us to experience enough to …., well, basically shock our minds, our beings, our… souls out of these bodies that we’re in now. And we should be in very close proximity to each other.” At this point Emma(Steed)’s interest peaked even more and a sly smile spread across her(his) face.
Steed(Emma) noticed this and returned a cautious smirk to her(him). Ignoring Emma(Steed)’s innuendo, Steed(Emma) continued. “With our minds freed and confined so closely to our natural bodies, well, I think there might be a chance that we, our psyches, would return to their normal dwelling places. Hence, we return back to the way we were before this little ‘problem’.”
“And this is all your ‘instinct’, Mrs. Peel?” Emma(Steed) wondered.
“Yes, Steed, I’m afraid I don’t have much more to go on.”
“What happens if we’re electrocuted….” And seeing Steed(Emma)’s annoyed look, continued, “…. Er, shocked out of each other’s body and, well, we don’t return anywhere here.”
“I hope your ‘being of sound mind and someone else’s body’ papers are up to date, Steed,” Steed(Emma) finished.
Emma(Steed) considered this for many moments, while Steed(Emma) chewed his(her) bottom lip.
Then she(he) rose and went over to Steed(Emma), holding both his(her) hands in her(his) own. “Then, Emma, I guess you gave it your best shot. These people at The Ministry don’t seem to be any closer to fixing that infernal machine or finding this Dr. Krelmar who built the blasted thing.”
She(he) looked deeply into Steed(Emma)’s eyes. “I trust you, and I’m willing to take the risk with you, Emma.”
They hugged briefly.
“You know, I’m not as up tight about this anymore,” Steed(Emma) said, “because I know it’s really you.” He(she) laid his(her) head as best he(she) could on Emma(Steed)’s shoulder given the slight height difference between them.
The phone’s ringing broke their moment of reverie.
Emma(Steed) went to answer it. “Emma Peel. Oh, yes, Major, it’s Steed.” After a pause, “That’s very nice, Major, but how does it effect us?” Emma(Steed)’s eyes widened. “No, Major, that would not be possible. No. No, Major, I …” Emma(Steed) impatiently shifted and gestured while listening to Major Bee. “Yes, I understand how important this is to Great Britain, but in this condition?” She(he) listened a few moments more. “Yes, Major, if you insist.” She(he) hung up the phone.
“What is it, Steed?” Steed(Emma) asked, concern evident upon his(her) face.
“Prince Ali of Baravia is back in town, and with the oil concessions up for grabs again, well he wants to meet with …. Mrs. Emma Peel!” Emma(Steed) finished a look of complete disgust clearly visible.
Steed(Emma)’s look changed from concern, to light amusement, then one of outright merriment as he(she) contemplated Steed’s situation. Laughing, he(she) raised his(her) hands to cover his(her) mouth, and between giggles said, “Oh, Steed, I’m sure you’ll find plenty of cricket topics to talk about.”
Emma(Steed) scowled at him(her). “I haven’t been keeping up with your birth control pills.”
A horrified look filled Steed(Emma)’s face. “He wouldn’t dare!” he(she) returned indignantly.
“Mrs. Peel, speaking from experience, I know how to handle this situation.”
“Well, your techniques had better work.” Steed(Emma) made a dismissive wave of his(her) hand. “What’s more important, Steed, is for you to call Dolores and relay this list of components I need to assemble an apparatus that would allow us to transfer back to our own bodies.” Emma(Steed) glanced over the list as Steed(Emma) said, “And have them delivered to your flat’s garage.”
“My garage?”
“Well, I need some place to assemble this machine, and we’ll need your car to be able to transport it.”
“Where are we taking it?”
“Hampstead Heath. The weather report is for a thunderstorm tonight, and the heights of the Heath, besides the views of the City, will give us a better chance to attract a lightning strike.”
Emma(Steed)’s eyes mirrored the concern in her(his) voice. “Mrs. Peel, you’re serious about this lightning, aren’t you?”
“Deadly serious, Steed,” he(she) said, looking into her(his) eyes.
All that afternoon, and into the early evening, Steed(Emma) hammered, cut, sawed, drilled, welded and assembled his(her) rudimentary mind transfer device, filling the garage under Steed’s Mews flat with miscellaneous bits of steel, wire cable, and other construction materials.
Around eight o’clock, Steed(Emma) heard the growl of her Lotus Elan’s exhaust outside at the kerb. A few moments later, Emma(Steed) entered the garage, her(his) stylish pants suit in slight disarray, the lipstick upon her(his) lips smudged, but a look of triumph upon her(his) face. “Mrs. Peel,” she(he) said, placing Emma’s clutch pocketbook down upon the nearest workbench, “I have defended your honour! Your virtue is safe.”
Recovering from his(her) shock, Steed(Emma) blinked his(her) eyes and said, “Good! I thank you, Steed.” He(she) finished with a little curtsey, to which Emma(Steed) bowed. “Can you help me bolt these two halves together? Then we’re all set to have a go at it. The other spanner’s over there,” he(she) said, gesturing toward the rack of tools hanging from the wall.
A half hour later, Steed(Emma) riding high in the passenger’s seat, and Emma(Steed) at the controls, they drove out of Steed’s garage and headed to Hampstead Heath. The night sky was heavily clouded and no stars were visible. “Hurry, Steed. It feels like it’s going to storm at any moment.” Various cylindrical structures were piled in the back seat of the Bentley, and more steel structures hung out the boot, while the disassembled sections of a one hundred foot tall radio aerial were lashed along the running boards.
Arriving at the Heath, Emma(Steed) drove the Bentley off the roadway and as far into the woods as she(he) could, coming as close as possible to the Heath’s highest point. Steed(Emma) consulted an ordinance map with the aid of a flashlight. “We have to haul this setup out there, past the tree line to the peak. We have to be far enough away from the trees to attract the lightning to us.”
Working like demons, Steed(Emma) and Emma(Steed) had carried all of Emma’s apparatus out to the highest point of the Heath. On the ground, there was a platform of very thick plastic material, piled several inches high. Surrounding it and holding it into shape was a ring of ceramic style electrical insulators. Three steel culverts were bolted together into a tube eight feet high, wide enough for two people to stand inside of, and placed atop the layers of plastic. Attached to the top of all this was the radio aerial, cabled into ten spots on the side of the culvert, and supported by thick nylon ropes, acting as guy wires to hold the antenna in position.
The gusty squall type winds were increasing in intensity as Steed(Emma) tightened the last bolt. “All right, Steed,” he(she) said, “Ladies first. In you go.”
Glancing around at the lightning flashes in the near distance, Emma(Steed) opened the steel door Steed(Emma) had cut into the side and stepped in. Steed(Emma) followed, closing the dead bolt on the makeshift door behind him(her).
The wind moaned through the ventilation holes Steed(Emma) had drilled through the sides of the metal containers.
“What I’ve constructed is a modified Faraday cage, Steed,” he(she) said. “But instead of being earthed, it’s insulated from the ground by the ceramic insulators. The plastic material has a dielectric coefficient to it high enough to act as a condenser.”
Emma(Steed) nodded her(his) head in understanding. “So some electrical charge will build up, right?”
“Very good, Steed,” Steed(Emma) said delightedly. “That’s right. We are inside the metal structure, equidistant from its entire perimeter and standing upon some more insulating material. When the lightning strikes the aerial, sufficient electrical charge will distribute itself around us, hopefully shocking our psyches back into where they belong. The excess current, after building up to the breakdown potential of the plastic will then earth itself and stop the process.”
“What’s that window gauge up there?” Emma(Steed) pointed to the transparent gauge visible more easily now as the storm moved closer and the lightning strikes increased.
“That’s an electroscope with a galvanic indicator. So I can see when the potential of a very large strike is coming.” Steed(Emma) studied the gauge intently. “Well, we needn’t wait long, here comes one right now.”
That barely said, the air outside, visible through the holes, took on a bluish glow and the sickly smell of ozone permeated everything. There was a crack and small blue-white bolts of electricity shot all around the outside of the metal cylinder they were in. Their hair stood on end.
“Too small,” Steed(Emma) reported. “We’ll have to wait for a bigger bolt.”
The occasional patter of rain could be heard upon the structure’s top, echoing inside. The wind gusts blew small bits of twig and debris through the holes. “Hold on, Steed, here comes another.”
A loud blast rocked the cylinder, lights of all colours flashed and danced outside, the air was heavy with the ozone smell, making breathing difficult. Emma(Steed) looked at Steed(Emma) and said, “Mrs. Peel, all the hair on your head is standing straight up.”
“I know, Steed. Your hair, or rather my hair is a frightful looking mess, too. Watch out!”
A direct hit shook the structure. Emma(Steed) and Steed(Emma) were blinded by the intensity of the current. They felt faint, their breathing was laboured. When the electrical charge had dissipated, Steed(Emma) spoke first. “I thought that was it, Steed,” he(she) yelled over the roar of the now ferocious, directly overhead storm.
“Me, too, Mrs. Peel. I seemed to be somewhere else for a moment.”
Another direct hit shook Emma’s apparatus. The effects were as before. “Steed, the charge seems to be leaking away too quickly. We have to increase the dielectric constant!”
“What?” Emma(Steed) yelled.
“More insulation!” Steed(Emma) shouted back. He(she) gestured to the door. Forcing it open against the howling wind and rain, Steed(Emma) and Emma(Steed) stepped outside and grabbed for the remaining pieces of thick plastic before the storm blew them away. While Steed(Emma) pried the end of the steel structure up with a crowbar, Emma(Steed) stuffed more plastic under it.
They were just about to step back into it when another direct hit struck the radio aerial. Steed(Emma) and Emma(Steed) were thrown back from the force of the lightning strike. Sparks danced all along the ground and fireballs jumped and hissed and fizzled.
When they could see once more, Steed(Emma) ran to the structure and examined it in the glare of the now almost constant lightning “Steed, it’s still intact. Let’s get inside.”
Emma(Steed) shook her(his) head, her(his) hand to her(his) ear.
Gesturing frantically, Steed(Emma) indicated the door of the metal tube and started to climb in. Emma(Steed) ran over and jumped inside, bolting the door behind her(him).
“Get ready, Steed, this could be it!” was the last thing Emma(Steed) heard.
A series of multiple strike lightning bolts hit the aerial, causing it to glow red from the intensity of the current flowing in it. The inside and outside of the steel structure was covered in blue-white sheets of incandescent electricity. Ground lightning flared out from Emma’s apparatus in all directions, searing the ground, making terrifying snapping noises. Inside, one continual roar filled their ears.
Emma and Steed felt like they were floating away. The intensity of the light increased beyond anything they could bear to look at. Sound seem to be inside their heads as well as without. When they couldn’t stand it any more, there was a terrific jolt!
Steed opened his eyes, and looked around. Emma, in her short white minidress, looking blindingly radiant, was waving to him, laughing gaily, and pirouetting around and around. She was running up a hillside that seemed to become steeper and steeper. She was saying something that Steed couldn’t quite make out. He thought he heard her say she was going to tell someone something. He tried to follow, but the harder he tried to run, the faster and further Emma seemed to move away. It was as if his feet were glued to the spot. Emma disappeared into a ball of white light he couldn’t bear to look at.
Something slammed into Steed and everything went totally black.
He felt a chill throughout his body, and something wet was pouring down upon him. Bringing his hand to his face, he tried to wipe away the wetness. His hand touched his hair. And it felt different. He brought it down to his cheek, and his skin’s texture was also different. He felt the distinct stubble of a beard upon his chin.
A flash of lightning made Steed open his eyes. He was laying on his back, upon the Heath, the rain plastering his hair to his forehead. He opened his mouth, and nearly choked from the intensity of the rain shower. He felt his chest. It was his chest. There was no more bosom to contend with.
“I’m back!” he shouted against the roar of the storm. “I’m back!”
He sat up and turned around. “Mrs. Peel,” he called, “It’s me! I’m back!”
A flash of lightning illuminated the scene. The still smoking ruins of Emma’s apparatus could be seen some thirty feet away. The once perfect cylindrical structural was blasted almost beyond recognition. The radio aerial sagged on the ground, melted and bent into twisting, curving shapes. Smoke rose from the charred plastic.
Rain continued to pour down. “Mrs. Peel?” Steed cried. “Mrs. Peel!”
Steed ran to what was left of Emma’s machine and circled around it, looking in all directions. A flash of lightning showed something pale upon the ground, about sixty feet off, nearer the trees.
He ran across the soggy ground, shouting all the while. “Mrs. Peel! Mrs. Peel!”
As another flash of lightning illuminated his way, he came up short, next to Emma. “Oh, Mrs. Peel. There you are. You’re remarkable! It worked. You’re a modern day Einstein! I’m back in my body again.” He leaned forward and extended his hands. “Here, let me help you up.”
There was no response from Emma.
The lightning flashed once again and Steed noticed she was sort of lying to her side, facing away from him and what struck him was the awkward angle of her limbs, just sprawled there on the wet ground. “Mrs. Peel?” he asked with sudden concern. He dashed around to her front.
The flash of lightning that occurred just then revealed a most horrible sight to Steed. So horrible, he gasped and stumbled backward. Emma’s mouth was open, and rainwater was splashing into it. Her eyelids were open, but the eyes that looked out held only a glassy, vacant stare. Her facial features were expressionless.
Steed fell to his knees. “Mrs. Peel?” He reached out and gently shook her shoulder. “Emma…… ?” He patted her face. Gently, then with more force. “Emma!” Steed screamed.
He frantically reached for her hand. It was cool, and he felt no pulse. He reached to her neck, and found no pulse there either.
Wide eyed, Steed looked at this scene of horror, as the lightning flashed around him from all directions, adding to the surrealness of it all. He looked at Emma’s chest. It did not move.
Panic stricken, Steed’s mind raced in all directions at once. He was alone, upon the Hampstead Heath, in the middle of an electrical storm, no means of communication to reach help.
He remembered what Emma had told him she did to revive him after the failed attempt to transfer them back via the enemies’ mind transference machine. Resuscitate! He dragged Emma out of the rain, under the little shelter provided by the nearest tree. He rolled Emma onto her stomach and ensured the water ran out of her mouth. Then he placed her upon her back and pressing his mouth over hers, pinching her nostrils shut, he blew a lungful of air into Emma’s own. Emma’s chest rose slightly.
Then he sat up, placed his hands together upon the left side of her chest and pressed hard. “One, two, three,” he pressed each time as he counted. “Now, breathe.” He bent forward once more and placed his mouth over Emma’s to repeat the procedure.
Again and again, Steed performed the life saving maneuver. He thought wildly to himself. Am I not pushing enough air into her lungs. Am I blowing too much? Am I pressing her chest too much? Am I not pressing hard enough? He became an automaton, endlessly repeating his actions, over and over.
He wondered. Who would come to help? Did anyone know they were out here? Who would be first to discover they were missing? Would it be someone in the morning, walking a dog this far out who would find them?
After what seemed like ages, Steed’s hands becoming numb from the exertion, his own lungs practically bursting, he had to pause. “Emma,” he cried, “Look, you saved my life. I’m back. Where are you? Let me save your life.” He bent to his task once more.
Again he didn’t know how many minutes had passed.
As he neared total exhaustion, he became aware the storm still raged all around them. Emma’s lips and fingertips were turning bluish. “No, Emma. You’re not going to die. I’ll save you,” Steed panted. He tried once more, and collapsed onto the ground beside Emma.
Steed rolled onto his side. Another flash of lightning revealed Emma’s still body next to him. Her eyes still staring vacantly out. “Emma,” Steed gasped. “Emma, where are you? Don’t…. don’t leave me, Emma. I need you. Where are you, Emma…”
He crawled up to a sitting position. He picked up Emma’s torso, and held her against his chest. “Emma, …. Emma, where did you go? It worked, Emma. I’m here. Where are you? Emma?”
A bolt of lightning flashed again. Steed looked heavenward. “You. You know where she is.” He couldn’t tell if it was cold rain, or hot, salty tears streaming down his cheeks. “You. You took her. You took her away from me!”
He dragged Emma’s inert body up to a standing position, clutching her against himself. Steed was near crazy with rage. Spit flew from his lips as he screamed up at the sky, the rain pouring down on him. “You! You! You took her from me. The most incredible woman I have ever known. You took her from me. Her brilliance! Her beauty! Her wonderful personality! You took her back. You gave her to me, and now you took her back.”
Steed hugged Emma to himself. “Emma, I love you. I was alone. And by some freak accident, we found each other. I needed you. And you needed me. We were happy together. But that’s too good for this world, right? We have to suffer. We have to have it so difficult.” He turned back to the sky. “Then you’re happy, right!”.
“You’re supposed to be fair and just. Where’s the fairness here?” Steed held up Emma’s arm, and let it go. It fell back limply to her side. “Where’s the justice? She saved my life. Not just now, but many times. You know that! But now, you won’t let me save hers.”
Steed sobbed onto Emma’s shoulder. “Damn!” he cried. He viciously stomped his foot into the soft, wet slushy ground. “Damn it!” Steed raised his fist and shook it at the heavens once more. “Damn you, you son of a ….”
And before he could finish his words or even his thought, the largest lightning strike of the storm crashed into the tree near them, splitting the trunk asunder, into pieces of kindling. The roar from the explosion echoing across the Heath, the light blinding Steed, the force of the blast throwing Emma and Steed clear of the collapsing, splintering oak tree.
Steed became aware of a sound in his ears. “Steed…” Someone was weakly calling his name. “Steed…” once more came the plaintive cry. Something was lying across him, pressing him down, but moving gently, as if awakening from sleep. Steed opened his eyes.
Emma was above him, looking down at him, a slow smile spreading across her face. “Steed… Steed! Are you all right?” She reached up to push the wet, thick auburn hair away from her face. And paused. “It’s my hair.” She touched her face. “It’s my face.” A look of pure delight brightened her features. “Steed, it’s me! Emma!”
Steed wrapped his arms around her, squeezing her gently, but firmly. “Yes, Emma. You’re back. And so am I.”
They kissed. Right there. Upon the soggy wet grass of Hampstead Heath. Emma Peel kissed John Steed. And John Steed kissed Emma Peel back.
After they were released from seventy-two hours of observation at The Ministry’s hospital, that Sunday Steed took Emma to Church.
And then a flower picking, brolly twirling, leisurely, smile ridden, hand holding walk across the Heath.
FIN
© John Orleanski 2005
No aspect of this story may be used elsewhere without the expressed prior written consent of the author. These stories may not be altered in any way or sold; all copyright information must appear with this work at all times. Please read disclaimers and warnings on top of each story. Feel free to send constructive comments to the author.. :o)
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